You know we've only got the one kid, and we've only been parents for two years, but there are a few things we've really got figured out. We've sorted through advice from our parents and grandparents, and friends, and the Internet, and frankly I'm pretty proud of how we've filtered. Here are the things we know for sure, in six important areas for parents.
1. If you let your child cry at night he will grow up thinking no one loves him, and he might become a crazed lunatic who kills people. So meet his needs at night, unless he needs a bottle, which will cause his teeth to rot out. And let him sleep with you. You don't want him to wake up all alone in the night thinking no one loves him. On the other hand, If you meet your child's every need, he will never learn independence and he will never stop sleeping with you. He'll come home from the prom and get into your bed and he will live in your basement when he's 42, spending his days chatting with his online girlfriend about Grand Theft Auto, a game in which he kills people.
2. You must breastfeed exclusively. You must pump when you are away to stimulate production, but don't give the baby the pumped milk in a bottle, or your baby will develop nipple confusion and will refuse to nurse. Try a tiny syringe that holds one calorie at a time. Or maybe just use formula. If you give your child formula, you are poisoning his body. If you aren't able to breastfeed, people will stare at you when you purchase formula. They'll take pity on you and think you don't know any better. If you are able to breastfeed, people will stare at you when you nurse. You dirty hippie! Put those away, we don't want to see that in public. Does this look like a strip club?
3. Don't let your child watch TV, because it rots her brain. She needs lots of stimulation, especially exposure to the outdoors. Unless the pollen count is too high. Around here, expect the pollen count to be around 18,000. She should not breathe outside if the pollen count is more than 7. She also shouldn't go out in the cold or the rain, or she'll get sick. If she must watch tv, it can only by PBS, and you should donate anytime there's a pledge-a-thon. She'll appreciate the $100 Elmo plush keychain for about a minute, and it'll help relieve your guilt that she's inside. In case of a pledge-a-thon, she's also allowed to watch indie films or documentaries about global warming.
4. You should buy only organic whole foods for your children. You don't want them eating foods you can't pronounce, do you? If possible, these should also be locally grown from a farmer's market. You want your kids to have wholesome, home-cooked meals, not some pre-packaged, artificial, convenience food. Spend a few minutes in the kitchen forchrissake! Also, you should exclusively use coupons and have a well-organized and color coded coupon notebook that you take with you to the grocery store. By the way, there are no coupons for produce or whole foods. Don't spend a lot of time in the kitchen, because you need to spend time with your kids. It's okay to resort to nuggets and tots. They don't care what's for dinner, they just want to see you!
5. You should be a stay-at-home parent. Obviously this will reduce nipple confusion, and give you time to create acceptable Pinterest snacks and sensory activities. Plus you don't want someone else raising your kids do you?? Just use more coupons and cut off cable (PBS) to reduce expenses and make ends meet. Also, you need to work so that you can afford organic whole foods, and to send your kids to the most exclusive Montessori schools, where others will help raise them.
6. Let your child tell you when he or she is hungry. Kids need to learn to listen to their bodies and their natural cues. If they are hungry, allow them to fix themselves a snack to foster independence and confidence. Don't let your kids decide what they want to eat, they need to learn to eat what you've prepared for them. You're no short order cook! If they are really hungry, they'll eat what you've prepared. If they refuse to eat, send them to bed without any dinner, even if they cry. See rule #1. If you let your child cry at night he will grow up thinking no one loves him, and he might become a crazed lunatic who kills people.....
No pressure!
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