BeYoYo finished this Wednesday, which was better. He only goes a half day, though, so by 12:30 everyday I had all the people at home, trying to keep them entertained. I had a morning meeting on Tuesday at our church, so I texted the mama of The Boy's good friend, Ryan, and asked if he wanted to come with us to church to entertain The Boy while I met. They had a big time, and they wanted to keep at it. The Boy asked if Ryan could come back to our house for a little while. Yes, yes, you can continue to play with each other and stay outta my hair. I texted his mom again and she said that was fine.
I drove The Boy and Ryan to pick up BeYoYo from school. BeYoYo was so excited to see Ryan, because Ryan is the sweetest 7 year old on the planet, basically. I got everyone Happy Meals because I am awesome, and we went home.
All the boys went upstairs to play and I started working on our dishwasher. I think the heating element is out, so I was troubleshooting and watching YouTube videos to see what to do next. The Boy and Ryan came down with a toy spaceship that was beeping. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. I couldn't hear my YouTube, so I told them to take it back upstairs or turn it off. The Boy said "We don't know how!" and they ran out of the room, laughing.
A few minutes later The Boy came downstairs and asked if I would get the guinea pigs out for them to play with, so I went upstairs to help. I put both guinea pigs in the tub, which is what we do when they want to play with them. I don't want them running around the house on their own, but their cage isn't an ideal place for the boys to play with them. Plus, it's easy to clean up if they make a mess. Have you ever seen guinea pig poop? It's tiny and firm and pretty easy to clean. I put Speedy and Sprinkles in the tub and went back downstairs to the dishwasher. I called The Husband, who was working in Oklahoma, and complained about the dishwasher, and started washing dishes by hand.
A few minutes later The Boy came downstairs again. He said "some soap spilt in the bathroom, and I accidentally stepped in it." I told him to grab a towel and clean it up, and he went back upstairs. I went back to washing dishes. I could hear the boys playing upstairs and having fun. A few minutes later I heard a loud crash followed by shrill-someone-is-definitely-hurt-screaming. I ran upstairs to investigate.
The Boy was holding his head and crying. He had a large knot on his forehead and he was jumping up and down from either shock or pain or both. Ryan was looking at him with concern and asking him if he was okay. I started to ask what happened, but then I saw the bathroom floor. When he said some soap spilt, I thought he meant a little bit. He meant an entire bottle of kid's body wash spilt all on the bathroom floor and then they skated in it. The bathroom tile was covered in a thick film of gooey gloop, and there were footprints all throughout. I asked what happened and everyone talked at once. Apparently The Boy slipped in the soap and landed on the tile floor on his forehead. Not one of his appendages tried to catch his fall, he just soap-slip-flail-fell face first. I imagine there were cartoon sound affects.
Instead of checking on his injury, I told The Boy that they all had to get out of the bathroom immediately. The Boy asked if they could go to the downstairs bathtub. I said no, I'm not moving guinea pigs to yet another bathtub. He said they just wanted to put their feet in the tub to rinse them off, no guinea pigs involved. I approved that and sent them on their way. Soon I heard the downstairs water running. BeYoYo called to me "I want to take a bath!" I told him no.
I stared at the tile for a long time. How does one remove soap from a floor? It was kind of like if someone needed to move a large amount of honey from one place to another. How does that happen? I needed either a giant bee who could follow directions, or one of those big sticks with a ball at the end? That didn't seem right. I needed a backhoe or something. Actually, demolition might have been easier. I settled on scooping up the excess soap with towels, and then folding the towel over on itself to keep it contained. I went downstairs to put the towels in the washer (no detergent needed!) and could still hear the bath water running. I marched into my bathroom to tell The Boy to turn off the bath water when I saw him completely in the tub. In his underwear. Ryan sat on the edge and had his feet in the water. I asked The Boy what the heck he was doing, and he said it felt so good he wanted to get in. I was glad he left his underwear on, at least. Then I heard BeYoYo asking for help, and I turned around to see him sitting on the toilet. I had one child with feet in the tub, another one in only underwear in the tub, and amidst this chaos apparently BeYoYo had come in to poop. He made himself right at home and didn't mind at all about the boys in the tub. I gave him a quick reminder about privacy and decency and not pooping in front of guests. He shrugged and asked me to wipe him. He's fully capable of wiping and I told him so. Then I wiped him anyway because it was faster than convincing him, and I wanted him to get out of that bathroom sooner rather than later.
I told the big kids to get their shoes (and clothes!) on, because it was time to take Ryan home. Actually, it was a little past the time I told his mom we'd leave. They got out of the tub and The Boy decided he needed a fresh batch of clean clothes on, you know, since he'd just had a bath and all. He changed clothes, put on his shoes, and I grabbed my keys. I kept hearing something beep but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. I asked the boys what the sound was and where it was coming from, as I was picking up jackets and hats looking underneath them for the mystery sound. The Boy opened the door and pointed to the spaceship on the porch that they'd had earlier. He explained "we can't get it to turn off, so I put it outside!" I picked it up and looked for an off switch but couldn't find one, so I left it and put everyone in the car.
We ran Ryan home and came back to the spaceship still beeping. I searched for an off button and found none. I tried to take the batteries out, but couldn't find a screwdriver small enough. I called the Husband, who did not answer. I left him a hateful voicemail saying that I couldn't find a small screwdriver because the garage was a mess and it was all his fault and that there was beeping and a head injury and guinea pigs in the tub. I let the ship beep into the phone for good measure. I posted a video on facebook asking others for help, but all their suggestions included hammers and submerging in water. After trying for what felt like a really long time, I gave up and placed it back outside. Sorry, neighbors.
I went back upstairs and stood and looked at the bathroom floor. It was still soapy. The tub still had guinea pigs in it. AND whatever body wash had spilled all over the floor had also spilled into the tub. So the guinea pigs were slippery, and they had been in the tub longer than usual, which meant more mess than usual. Plus their usually-super-easy-to-clean-and-not-messy-poop plus the addition of the soap had turned the tub into a soapy shit sludge. I told each of the children that they were required to watch tv until further notice. In separate rooms.
I decided I needed to start with the tub, because I didn't want to clean the floor and then be walking on the freshly wet floor while cleaning the tub. First things first, I needed to put the guineas back in their cage. But their cage needed to be cleaned. So I cleaned their cage and gave them fresh bedding. Then I set about picking up the slippery guineas and putting them back in their cage. Do you know how hard it is to catch a slippery guinea pig in a slippery tub? I wiped off their little paws and tossed them into their freshly cleaned cage. Then I realized it would be much easier to clean the tub if I had a detachable shower head. I had one in the closet that had never gotten put on, so next I changed out the shower head. Once that was done, I used the shower head to clean the poop out of the tub. Then I ran a tub full of water and let bleach soak in it to kill any leftover bacteria. Whew. Now I could move on to the floors.
I decided I needed to mop, but it seemed like adding water to the already soapy floor would just make suds. I called my mom, because that is what you do in emergencies. I relayed to her the soap and the slip and the ship and the shit. She was empathetic. She suggested trying salt to get up the soap, but I thought that just might make salty soap. So then she suggested vinegar, so I gave that a try. It did make bubbles, but I used a little at a time and I came upon a combination of vinegar, mop, towel, repeat. Vinegar, mop, towel, repeat. It was working.
I went downstairs to take out the bathroom trash that had guinea bedding, and to put the math mats and towels into the dryer. I walked outside to take out the trash, where I was again confronted with the beeping ship I had left on the mat. Just then, the Husband called me back to ask if I wanted to apologize for the mean voicemail I had left him. I told him I did not, and I recounted to him about the soap and the slip and the ship and the shit. He had THE NERVE to laugh about this from the safety of Oklahoma. I let the ship beep into the phone for good measure. Again.
After all this, the dishes were still not done. I turned the ipad on so I could watch something and got back to the job at hand while still letting the boys watch tv in their perspective spaces. I had given up on salvaging the day. The ship continued to beep on the porch. The next morning I walked outside to check on the ship to see if the batteries had finally died. And there I found it, lying silently, with the batteries laid on top. One of my sweet neighbors must've come over and taken out the batteries overnight. Either it was driving them crazy or they took pity on us, but they offered us the gift of a silent night.
The guinea pigs were nestled with care
The boys played without a care.
And I silently thanked the schools
that usually let them stay there.
Please take them back soon!
Oh, Leigh Ellen, the joys of parenthood (of two very precious boys!)!
ReplyDelete