How To Be A Toddler: Summer Camp

The Boy and I are at church camp for five days in Montreat, NC, with a group of 30 youth and adults from our church. We're all staying in two old mountain houses which are beautiful and musty and primitively furnished. It's a bring-your-own-everything kind of place, where the luxuries are found in moss growing on the steps and fog on the lake instead of mini bars and fresh linens.
I'm here as one of four chaperones for the high schoolers, and The Boy is along for the ride. I'm balancing taking care of him and hanging out with them, and he couldn't be happier with the resulting cross-pollination of guitar playing, junk eating, rule bending and teenage attention.
I'm already exhausted from the solo parenting and late night group meetings, so I'm going to let The Boy take over today's post.

Summer Camp
Camp is awesome! Your mom will make everyone be quiet when they come in at night so as not to wake you up. You'll wake up refreshed, two hours earlier than the teenagers. Even though they were all quiet and respectful on your behalf last night, remind your mom that you've not yet developed voice modulation. Talk loudly about everything! Mom will be forced to take you outside to have breakfast on the porch. If you see a moth, put your bagel on the porch, run to the moth, and exclaim "Butterfly! I pet it." while you try to touch it. Cry if it flies away. Ask 75 times "where big kids is?" Then answer your own question: "sweeping!" (Sleeping) When the teenagers wake up and come downstairs, act afraid. Do not speak to them. If you do speak to them, make sure it isn't in English.

While everyone gathers for breakfast, find a plunger among some supplies in the kitchen and put your face into it. When the big kids make gagging noises, laugh like you did a cool trick.

Take a shower with your mom. Cry that the water is too hot or too cold unless it falls within your 2 degree ideal comfort range. While your mom rinses her hair, eat something from the bottom of the shower. When you and mom get out of the shower she'll need a few minutes to dry you off and get your clothes ready. Take this opportunity to pee in the floor. Don't tell her you peed, so that you'll have more time to skate in it.

When your group goes to real worship at a real church service that isn't a part of the youth conference, point to a white headed usher and run up the aisle toward him screaming "Ho Ho! Ho Ho!", thinking you've found Santa. During silent confessions, announce "I hide!" When it's time for the prayer yell out "Dear God!"

At the glow party where everyone is dancing with glow sticks and light up balloons, act like your balloon is an alligator that needs wrestling. If your balloon floats away and a teenager gets it, yell "take turns!", even though you refuse to do the same. What do they think, this is all about them??

 There will be no organic produce or grass fed beef at camp. This is your chance to live it up! Turns out there's a whole world of salty, crunchy, sweet and savory snacks we've been missing out on. Take any morsel any teenager sneaks you at any time. It's bound to be delicious! Now that this world has been opened up to me I'll never settle for carrots or raisins again. Bagels are still okay, since they make good steering wheels.

Treat the teenagers as your own personal waitstaff. If one goes into the kitchen, call out "Annabelle! Annabelle, chip!" and demand she bring you a Cheeto. When she does, demand a big one instead. If any of the big kids want to hold your hand while you walk in the road, consider it an invitation for them to swing you. 300 times.

If your mom packs you a "pdiddy" (peanut butter) sandwich for a picnic by the lake, she'll probably pack extra bread to feed the fish too. Feed the fish all their bread, take a few bites of your sandwich, then throw your sandwich in the lake, exclaiming "fishes wuv pdiddy!"

Finally, going to camp is hard work, so don't forget to pack your puppy. 

How To Be A Toddler: Going to the Doctor

The Boy is now 21 months old. That's almost two, for those of you who don't measure time in months. Twenty one months is the perfect age for playing, and jumping off things and exploring, and is not the perfect age for sitting quietly or waiting patiently. Today I had an appointment to go back to the orthopedist about my shoulder (see this post for more on that), and The Boy can't get rid of his hacking cough, so The Husband and I decided this morning he didn't need to go to school as I'd planned. That meant he'd be going with me. Challenging. And he was much like a toddler should be at an adult doctor's appointment.

If you are interested in becoming a toddler in the near future, read these tips on the proper methods of going to the doctor with a parent. 

1. Sit in every chair in the waiting room. You must sit in every single chair, and when other patients smile at you, look at them like you are both angry with and terrified of them. Smile broadly in a way that conveys you are cute at waiting patients who ignore you.

Sit with your parent to read a farm book. Loudly and excitedly announce all the farm animal sounds to no one in particular. Shriek animatedly for at least one minute. Make sure it is a happy noise so there's nothing anyone can do to quieten you. If someone comes out of their appointment and points at you and says "there's that baby we heard screaming" beam proudly at them. 

2. When you get into the exam room, touch every surface. Once you've touched every surface, put your hand completely in your mouth and leave it there. Attempt to take things out of the trash can. When you are redirected, put a magazine into the trash can.  Ask for a cookie from your bag, and while your parent fetches it, try to sit on the doctor's wheelie chair. Fall out. Take your cookie and place it on every surface that you previously touched. Take a bite of your cookie, put it down on the dirtiest surface in the room and use that as a drum. Smile and announce "I dwummin!" 

3. Before the doctor arrives, dance excitedly around the room. Exclaim "I a el-phant" and make large elephant gestures and stomps. Try to get under the exam table. Ask 45 times where "mommy docta is?" and throw your hands in the air. Knock on the door and yell out "Hey Docta!" when you hear someone in the hall. 

4. When the doctor comes in, do not make eye contact with him or her. Put your cookie on your mouth, but do not eat it. Let it turn to mush and let said mush ooze out of your mouth. Be weird.  When the doctor speaks kindly to you, be afraid. Act like you cannot talk at all, then only speak when grown ups are speaking, at which point whine for more cookie. You'll get it. 

5. When it is time to check out, run in circles while you're waiting. Other grown ups will take pity on your parent and let you go to the front of the line. Announce to the kind lady doing her job "I READY!" if it takes more than 30 seconds to check out, pay, and make another appointment. If she doesn't comply with your readiness, run away. When you have been drug back to complete your parent's business, take all the osteoporosis pamphlets off the desk. Talk obsessively about the bicycle that it features. When it's finally time to go, hop down a flight of stairs, one stair at a time. 

6. If you are with your parent because you are sick, do not cough at all. All day.