Oh, Crap!

It's all Sears' fault. They sent me an email for a free portrait session and free prints. I can't turn down free, so I said yes. I scheduled The Boy an appointment for 18 month pictures yesterday. If you schedule an appointment for pictures, you'll want the kid to be clean. And you'll want to trim up his hair just a bit in the back so he doesn't look so much like Doc from Back to the Future (for more on The Boy's hair, see this post). Best foot forward, right? But it can sort of turn into an If You Give A Mouse A Cookie kind of day. 

We were on a tight schedule for pictures, nap time, and me getting to work, so I put him in the bath. He was playing with his duckie and his other bath toys when he started to grunt and strain. "STOP!" I shouted at him, inappropriately. "Don't you dare poop in the tub!" He looked at me like I hurt his feelings. I scooped him up, but what to do with a naked, slippery, wet toddler that may or may not have to poop? I could put a diaper back on him and let him run around the house to wait it out but there was no time. I picked him up and put him on the toilet. He has no concept of toileting but it couldn't hurt. So I hung his bum over the seat and before I knew it he pooped in the toilet. Woo hoo! 

What a milestone, even if it was accidental! Hooray! I cheered for him and he scrambled down to get back in the tub. Done. I even took a picture of his tiny poop in the toilet to send to The Husband at work (yes, I recognize what's become of my life). What a great day it was going to be. I spent a brief second on the phone texting with The Husband, and when I turned my attention back to The Boy there was poop in the tub. Like all in the tub. Like a lot. My stomach churned. I screeched. How did that happen so quickly? Disgusting. So there The Boy stood in a tub with poop. I started jerking him out and letting the water drain. 

Just then my phone rang. The Husband wanted to know about pooping in the potty. 

Me: I can't talk right now he just pooped all in the tub!

Hus: I thought he pooped in the toilet?

Me: He did, but then he pooped even more in the tub. 

Hus: Gross. 

Me: Yeah. It's disgusting. 

Hus: How did that even happen? 

Me: I SAID I can't talk right now. I have to clean up this poop tub and clean him up and get him ready for his pictures and I have to find and catch him. 

Hus: Catch him? Where is he? 

Me: Bye. 

The Boy was running naked through the house, squealing. I called him to come back, which he ignored. The water finished draining and I grabbed some TP to use to pick up the poop. And then I started wretching. Whoever said it's different when it's your own child lied. The Boy thought it was hilarious and he starting squealing wretching noises "yetch, yetch, rheuch!" He got in the linen closet and pulled out two bars of soap like they were long lost pirate treasure. Note, he is still naked. 

He ran through the hall with his soap treasure yelling "ohrment!" (ornament), retching, and throwing the soap while I continued cleaning the tub. Then it happened. I threw up. I couldn't help it, out it came. Right into the tub. Yes, I threw up in the tub with the poop. I almost hung my head and cried. "Ohrment!" I heard, followed by the sound of soap flying through the air and landing on the floor. "Ohrment! Rheuch!" He laughed. This was not funny. 

I got all the poop out of the tub and then doused the entire thing in lighter fluid bathroom disinfectant. I took the spray lid off and just dumped the entire contents all over the tub. I rinsed it out and did the process all over again. I ran water for another bath, because the kid had not even been bathed yet. And it was picture day, after all. And I still needed to trim his mullet.

Thankfully bath "number two" was uneventful and we made it to his pictures, which he did great for.

He cleans up nicely, huh? 

By the looks of it you'd never know what a crappy morning we had. Thanks a lot, Sears.