Kitchen Redo

So, you'll remember we bought a new house and moved in March. We're digging it. First of all, it's ours. And second of all, we've made some changes that make it feel even more like ours. Of course it's a work in progress and likely will be as long as we live here, but it's cool to watch the transformation.

We spent the most energy on the kitchen, and that's the room with the most drastic difference. The house was built in 1989, and the kitchen was living proof. It was structurally sound and in pretty good condition, but it reminded me of the kitchen from the classic 80s sitcom Who's The Boss?. 

Yo, Angela! 

I had a vision of transformation, and it largely came true. Some of the work The Husband did himself, because he is that handy, and some of it we used a contractor for. Our contractor was a beautiful Hispanic woman who wore heels and said "I yam SO egg-cited foryoo!" And "The only thing is I yam worried about the cheetrock." She went easily back and forth speaking in English to us and Spanish to her subcontractors. The Boy was thoroughly impressed, and said she was like Dora. Yes, if Dora was thin and beautiful and wore heels instead of a belly shirt and bowl cut.

Here's the before shot. Oak cabinets, railroad trim at the top, blue countertops, white appliances, black fridge, and floral tiled backsplash. I We wanted lighter cabinets, a built-in pantry, updated countertops, and updated appliances.

Here's an action shot, with The Boy helping. 

And another.

And.........the before and after pics!

            (It's okay if you aren't as excited about this as we are. We get it, you don't live here.)

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

Before:

After:

I'm kind of in love with it. I think my favorite part is the new butcher block countertops which The Husband did himself. He ordered them from Lumber Liquidators and then cut, sanded, and finished them with mineral oil. There are still a few things to do, (and I may have a board on pinterest called "Things to Talk The Husband Into" which includes a small island) but it's basically finished! Tada!

I will be posting more house renovation pictures as we finish each room, or as I get them clean enough to photograph. 

Preparing for Parenthood: Pregnancy

Well, here we are in the 7th-ish month of my pregnancy with BeYoYo. While I'm no pro, this is my third pregnancy, sort of. I had a miscarriage before I had The Boy. Then, because The Husband and I didn't know yet that we are really good at getting pregnant (like, pass each other in the hall and we are pregnant) *blush*, we were immediately pregnant again. So if my pregnancy with The Boy felt like I was pregnant for a year straight, it's only because I was.  Now here we are again. So, while I'm no Michelle Duggar, I feel like I'm fairly familiar with the plight miracle of pregnancy. If you're considering this journey but aren't sure if you're ready, here are some simple steps to get you prepared.

How to Prepare Your Wife For Pregnancy

-Rent a circus elephant to sit on her chest and torso for five minutes. Once she can tolerate five minutes, work up to 12 hours a day. Have her work, clean, cook, or complete any normal daily activities with said elephant.

-Secretly invite over people who have (or who are recovering from) the stomach virus. You want your wife to be nauseated, vomiting, or on the verge of vomiting for about 6 hours a day for the first three months. If you want extra spousal points, offer to hold her hair back while she hangs over the toilet.

-While she is sleeping, replace 3/4 of her wardrobe with children's clothes. Start with a large children's size, so that they almost fit. Then, gradually replace them with smaller and smaller clothes until her closet is filled with toddler shirts and pants. All yoga pants can stay.

-If you can manage it, find a way to replace some of her joints with silly putty. This will ensure that the joints occasionally give out and she collapses to the floor upon standing. You should also practice not laughing when this happens.

-Find a way to injure her without her knowing. This injury should involve the lower back, and should last for 3-4 months. Shooting sciatic pain down one or both legs is also acceptable. If you prefer not to injure your spouse*, you can also install a 25 pound weight in her shirt to do the trick.

-At night time, elevate her head to reduce heart burn. Elevate her feet to reduce swelling. Have her lie on her side with a pillow between her knees to help with sciatica. You may need to hire a professional circus contortionist for consultations. See if you can get a package discount with the elephant. 

-Monitor her diet so that she can no longer have alcoholic drinks, sushi, bagged salads, certain fish, queso, Gorgonzola, feta, blue cheese, sprouts, or deli meats. Go to restaurants that serve many of these newly forbidden foods.

-When your wife gets up to pee in the night, you must ask in a panicked voice what's wrong and if she's ok. Never, ever assume she just needs to urinate more frequently, no matter how predictable the pattern.

The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

*I do not actually endorse injuring your spouse. 


How to Prepare Your Husband For Pregnancy

-Cry. There should be no algorithm for this. Just sprinkle some tears around throughout your day (and his) with no warning and no predictable pattern. Good reasons include the death of Martin Luther King, Jr., and your toddler pajama shirt not fitting over your belly.

-Eat. Eat a lot, and especially eat the last of anything your husband was looking forward to. If he asks what you'd like from the grocery store, declare you need wasabi and brownies. If he complains, this is an acceptable occasion to cry.

-Gradually take up more room in the bed. I'd recommend investing in a maternity pillow, which will make this task dramatically easier. Ideally, it should be as big as a full grown person, or two.

-If your partner asks what you did today, say you grew new arms and legs and supported another life. Ask what HE did today.

-Each time you dine out remind your husband which foods you cannot eat, as well as which foods make you nauseous, so that he won't forget the sacrifices you're making for your family. This is most effective if you do so while he's enjoying a beer and sushi. If you feel guilty, you may tell him how delicious the wasabi is.

-Begin to leave the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge. If he questions you about this, remind him that you are busy sustaining new life and can't be responsible for EVERYTHING.

-Set an alarm to wake him up 3-4 times per night. Walk around your room, turn the bathroom light on, sigh loudly, and return to bed. Be irritated if your husband asks if you're okay. Be irritated if he doesn't wake up.

                          ---------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it! After doing these activities for just 10 months (40 weeks = 10 months) you'll be prepared for pregnancy!

If these suggestions don't work, you may also try to simulate acid reflux, high blood pressure, swollen limbs, Braxton Hicks contractions, hives, poor body image, vaginal pain, acne, rhinitis, frequent urination, hemorrhoids, asthma, irritable bowel syndrome, alien embodiment, or general grouchiness. Just kidding, the grouchiness will come on its own.