Quotes from Labor

Now that I've had some time to reflect on BeYoYo's birth story and have processed it ad nauseum with the people present, I present to you: Quotes From Labor. You'll remember this is how labor went down, and these gems from The Boy's birth too. I'd been having contractions since 15 weeks.

I've been timing contractions for hours and they've been consistently about 5 minutes apart.
Me: I'm just going to call Anika (midwife) and see what she says.
Husband: About what?

Me (having a strong contraction) Ohhhhhhehhhhh.
Husband (to boy) Let's go play. I think mommy needs a minute.

Me: Anika said to come in if I want, or stay home until I can't breathe through them. Should we call my dad to come get The Boy?
Husband: I'm not sure you're in labor.
Me: Thanks, Doc.

Me: Did you call your mom?
Husband: No, I will once we know if you're in labor.

Me: We're going to go to the hospital to see if the baby is ready to come out today.
The Boy: I don't think he is.
Me: What's with you people?

At the hospital-

Nurse: what do you weigh?
Me: 700.
Nurse: Do you drink?
Me: No.
Nurse: Smoke?
Husband: Smoke what?
Nurse: Cigarettes.
Me: No.
Nurse: Do you-
Me:-wait. He's kidding. I don't smoke anything.

Nurse: Are you HIV positive?
Me: No.
Nurse: Have you been exposed to Hepatitis B?
Me: No.
Nurse: Have you been exposed to ebola?
Me: No.
Nurse: I'm kidding.

Anika: So, it looks like you're dialated to about a 4.
Me: No. No. No. No. It has to be more than that.
Anika: I'm sorry.

Me: Anika, this beeping is irritating me. I cannot handle it anymore.
Anika: we can turn your baby's heartbeat down if that would help.
Me: Thank you.

Me: Anika, I have an important question.
Anika: Yes?
Me: What percentage of your patients would you say shave their stuff?
Anika (laughs): what??
Me: Labescaping. What percentage?
Anika: I'd say 40.

Me: Anika said she can break my water.
Husband: Are we having a baby?? Are we staying here?
Me: Are you KIDDING ME?

Midnight.
Husband: I just sent a text to my mom with a picture of a baby picture from google and told her he's here. Ha!

Me, to Husband: I'm never doing this again. Do you understand?
Husband: Yes.

Me, to 20 year old sister: this is what happens when you have sex.
Sister: No. Stop it. No.

We had a plastic lime juice bottle that we froze so the husband could roll it on my back during contractions.
Me: Where's the lime? I need it.
Husband: I don't know where it is. Here, this will do. (Rolls diet coke can on my back).

Anika checked my progress.
Me: (Expletives)! I told you there's no more room for anything else in there!

Beast from within me: DID. YOU. JUST. SAY. 'CALM DOWN'?!
Husband: I said [the contraction] "it's coming down."

OBGYN: I'm Dr. Leach, and I'm here to do the C-section.
Me: Thank you for saving Terri's life. She's my friend.
OBGYN: Ok.

Anesthesiologist: I'm the anesthesiologist, and I'm here to talk to you about the spinal.
Me: I don't really want to hear about it.
Anesthesiologist: I have to tell you about it to get your consent.
Me: Fine.

Mom: I can't believe you told the doctor you didn't want to hear about it.

Sister: At least-
Me: -Just be quiet.

Me: I'm never doing this again.

Me: Is this my last contraction? This is the last contraction I'm ever going to have.
Anika: It's ONE of the last I bet.

Me: Anika, tell us about a vasectomy.
Anika: that's not my end, hon.

Me: Oh, no. That's another conttttttttttractionnnnnnn.

--In the O.R. --

Me: This looks like an alien abduction in here.
Anesthesiologist: But with better company.

Nurse: Don't touch anything blue.
Me: I'm pretty sure I'm not going to touch anything.

OBGYN: Don't touch your leg there! That's sterile! Someone get the straps. (Proceed to strap my arms down).

Anika: We need you to bend over, make your back a C for the spinal. You can hold on to me.
Me: (Expletives) but I'm having another contracTION. That's the last one, okay?

Anesthisiologist: Can you feel this? (pokes all down my leg)
Me: No.
Anesthesiologist: That means the spinal is working. I was poking your leg with a needle.

Me, to husband: I'm never doing this again.
Husband: Okay, you don't have to.
Me: You can get a vasectomy.
Husband: We don't have to decide right now.
Me: There's nothing to decide.

Anesthesiologist, mid surgery: Hi, I'm Dr. So and so, your new anesthesiologist.
Husband: what happened to the other one?
Anesthesiologist: shift change.

After baby was born and doing well, The Boy came to meet him.
The Boy(looking at his brother): Is he born?
Me: Yes, he's here! He's here to stay.
The Boy: Why?
Me: Once you're born you're always born and you can't go back in.
The Boy: Can I get back in your belly? (Lifts my dress to head in)
Me: NO. No you definitely cannot.

Donna is the lactation consultant.
Me: He's getting hungry, and I want to see if his latch is okay. Can you call Donna?
Husband: Hey, ask for the Wolfman!

A Birth Story

Saturday morning I woke up with contractions. I'd been having Braxton hicks contractions since 15 weeks, so it was not alarming. They'd been consistent for about an hour so I started timing them around 9:00. By 10:30 I called my midwife because the contractions were mild but consistently about 3 minutes apart. She told me to keep her posted. I was alternating between resting and cleaning/preparing/playing "city" with The Boy. The Husband was not convinced it was labor. We went about our Saturday.

Contractions continued and became stronger. The Boy took a nap. The Husband cleaned the house. Part of me wanted to rest and another part wanted to pace. I took a bath. I got our bags out for the hospital. Around 4:00 the grandparents came for The Boy. I was still talking and breathing through contractions. We told The Boy we were going to the hospital to see if baby brother was ready to come out. He responded that he didn't think he was. What's with these boys not trusting that this was legit? By 6:00 contractions had picked up to the point that I could not consistently talk through them and I told The Husband it was time to go. The Boy's labor was natural, and fairly quick. I expected the same for BeYoyo, knowing second babies often come faster. 

We got to the hospital about 6:30. The Husband dropped me off at the ER and went to park the car. When I walked through the door someone said "ma'am, watch out for the blood!" just in time for me not to step in one of the puddles of blood that led to the registration desk. More specifically, they led to a woman sitting in front of the registration desk and pooled from the streams of blood coming down her leg. I thought I would pass out. I stood in the ER breathing through contractions and waiting my turn. Soon enough The Husband emerged, I got registered and was being wheeled up to labor and delivery. 

We arrived at a small room with my name on the door. I went to the bathroom and emerged with tears in my eyes. "There's no tub!" I told The Husband. "There's not even a shower!" He smiled. "This is only the triage room, honey. We won't stay here. Once we know if we're staying we'll move to a room with a tub." I reminded him that I was in labor and we WOULD be staying.

My midwife, Anika, came in and checked me. I'd dilated to a 4. "No, no, no." I told her. "It must be more than that!" She said I had a lot of amniotic fluid- so much so that baby bounced when she checked me. She recommended that I get an IV port just in case I needed it. I'd not wanted an IV or fluids during labor, so we talked about the pros and cons. She was concerned that with so much fluid baby could come very suddenly once things started progressing and that he could potentially come out arm or cord first. I had an image of a slip n slide party emerging from my nethers. Having an IV port ready meant they could administer meds quickly if needed. I agreed. 

We were moved to a regular room (with a tub!) and we began to wait. My contractions had slowed when we got to the hospital, and they were no longer consistent. My mom and sister came, and the waiting game began. I walked. I bounced on a birthing ball. I took a shower. I laid in the bed. During contractions The Husband rubbed my back. Contractions did not get closer together. I was beginning to get frustrated. During one contraction The Husband said what I thought was "calm down". I nearly cussed him out, but then he explained he'd said the contraction was "coming down". Oh. Sorry about that. 

Around midnight Anika checked me again. She said she thought she could safely break my water. Duh. That should progress things quickly. The Husband asked "so we're going to have a baby?" I glared at him. She broke my water, and was right about the amount of fluid I had. It broke and broke and continued to break. For three hours. I'll spare you the details, but there was A LOT of fluid. 

The contractions still didn't pick up. They were strong but not consistent, and often I was able to talk through them. They were monitoring the contractions and mine and baby's heart rates. Anika mentioned that baby's heart rate was dropping during my contractions but that it was not alarming. He may have been startled by the drastic change when my water broke. She told me to try to get some rest. The Husband, my mom and sister all dozed off and I tried to get some rest too. 

Around 3am my midwife and three nurses came bursting in the room like storm troopers. One carried an oxygen mask and another an IV. They began hooking me up, even as my midwife explained what was happening. The baby's heart rate was dropping with contractions and having difficulty climbing back to where it needed to be. They inserted a catheter to return some of fluid I'd lost and to try to reduce baby's distress. She checked me again, and said that baby was in brow position. That meant he was trying to come out face first instead of head first, which was likely the reason for his heart rate dropping. She recommended that we try some different positions to try to get him to turn. For the next hour and a half we tried different positions to get him to turn naturally. My contractions were getting stronger and closer together. Because I was hooked up to the IV, catheter, and oxygen, I couldn't use the tub or movement strategies I'd used for pain management when I was in labor with The Boy. We waited to see what BeYoYo would do. When his heart rate did not improve my midwife reported that not only did he not turn head first, but he had moved his head back more in the other direction and was now chin first. What we did not know at the time was that the cord was wrapped around his head and shoulder, preventing him from being able to turn. 

It was 6am. Contractions were strong. I'd been in labor all day and night, and I was exhausted. Even though my midwife spoke confidently, I was concerned about my baby. Anika said since labor wasn't progressing and baby was chin first, she thought my labor would likely end in a c-section. She gave me the option of continuing to try re-positioning. We talked about the pros and cons of both and she felt the c-section would be less risky for baby. We waved the white flag and surrendered. If we weren't going naturally I asked how quickly I could get some meds. 

Anika had the surgeon and anesthesiologist paged to come in for an emergency c-section. The nurses started prepping me for surgery and explained what was going to happen. We were wheeled down to the OR. The Husband had to wait outside while everything was prepared. I was nervous about the spinal, which they had to administer twice, but I was ready to meet my baby. They strapped my arms down and let The Husband back in. 

Anika remained with me. I asked if the baby could still be placed on my chest after birth. "No, hon" she said. "We'll give him to dad and dad can hold him and show him to you and you can hold him in recovery." I nodded my understanding and began to cry, my tears flowing down my cheeks and into my ears. The Husband sat by my head, a blue screen and 10 minutes the only things separating us from our baby. 

I felt pressure on my midsection but no pain as the nurses and doctors talked while they worked. A few minutes later they announced BeYoyo was born. We did not hear a cry. "Is he okay? IS HE OKAY?" I pleaded with Anika. "He cried." She said calmly, "did you hear him?" She looked at him and asked him to cry louder for his mama. He did not. We still had not seen him. I looked toward The Husband, tears rolling into my ears. "Is he okay?" Anika spoke. "He's okay. He just needs to go to the NICU to get a little help." I was worried, scared, wanted to see my baby. It turns out the NICU nurses were right in the OR with us, and he didn't have to go far. It wasn't as bad as it sounded. They worked with him for a few minutes, and Anika told us he was getting oxygen and a little massage. I couldn't see anything, but momentarily we heard a little cry and Anika told us he was fine. They invited dad to come and hold him, and The Husband brought him to my side so I could see him, before being whisked to the nursery. He was here, and he was healthy. 

Anika told me then that the cord had been wrapped, and that he had emerged from the c-section chin first. I lie there, relieved. My child was here safe, my husband was now with him.  Whew. I announced to no one that I was going to throw up. The anesthesiologist brought me a bed pan and told me to turn my head to the side. I did, the emotion of two days coming out. We were through. I closed my eyes and said a prayer of thanks as they sewed me up. 

I was able to see and hold BeYoyo in recovery. He was the most beautiful thing I'd seen since The Boy's birth. I cried. At some point Anika checked on us and said "I'm sorry this wasn't the birth story you'd wanted. We didn't have much of a choice there at the end." I laughed. I told her that I was not at all disappointed in the birth of my son, and thanked her for getting him to us safely. It was not ideal, but I was as proud of his birth story as I was of The Boy's. How could I be disappointed in anything that brought me a healthy baby boy? 

Later, grandparents brought The Boy to meet his brother and my whole family was together. What a blessing. We sent all our visitors out so the boys could have their first few minutes alone together. Then The Boy introduced his grandparents and our friends to his new brother. Our lives were changing again, and I will forever be amazed by that day. 

The Ninth Month

The ninth month of pregnancy is the longest. It's at least twice as long as any of the other months. And while we're at it let's talk about the mean trick of calling pregnancy 9 months in the first place. The average is 40 weeks. 40 weeks divided by 4 weeks in a month = 10 months, right? Plus, that's only the average, meaning some people are pregnant for 10 and a half months. Lord, please don't let me be one of those.

Meanwhile, everything's done in there. The baby's just sitting around getting fatter. No, really. Look at our last ultrasound pic. This is a close up of fat rolls, labeled "fat rolls" by the ultrasound technician for clarification. The ninth month is the fetal equivalent of that one summer in college where you just binge drank, ate Poptarts and watched Snapped marathons on Lifetime. Just like you, he's got nowhere else to be till August.

PS- We think this is his side. 

In the ninth month you are tired. Maybe you are too tired to care if batman wears cowboy boots to swim lessons or a long sleeved spiderman suit to the library when it's 110 degrees out. You are making a new person, for goodness sake, and that trumps wardrobe decisions. That explains why you are down to wearing glorified muumuus and chacos everyday too.  You may also become less organized and together in the ninth month. Yes, less than you were just a month ago. Maybe you get to the grocery store and have to put shark slippers on your kid because somehow you lost his shoes in the last 10 minutes. Then, as you put the groceries in the back of the car, maybe you realized one shoe rode on the tailgate all the way there. Maybe you'll find the other in the parking lot of swim lessons, I don't know. 

In the ninth month things get messy. If your three year old cries in frustration that he didn't quite make it to the potty and peed on himself just a little, you can respond "me too" with all sincerity, and get everyone a fresh attitude and pair of undies. One of you may or may not have to waddle to your room, past the front door which you left open so that The Boy could watch the pest control guy try to get the bats out of your attic, just before said pest control guy sticks his head in to say he's done. Whatever. Your OBGYN appointments will morph from "how are you feeling?" to intrusive questions about the appearance of a "mucus plug" and "bloody show". Girlfriends will also start to think these are appropriate topics for conversation, and you will not care. These are obviously terms reserved for Insane Clown Posse lyrics, sci-fi movies, and of course, the ninth month of pregnancy. 

In the ninth month, strangers stop you in public bathrooms, where you spend much of your time, to ask you how far along you are and to tell you that you must be close to your due date. They will tell you that you are having a boy or that you are carrying low or high or backwards. They touch you without invitation. They talk to you like you have not noticed that you are pregnant. It's not that you want to be rude, but you want to wear a sign that says "2 weeks. August 10th. Boy. 2nd one."  Also, you will feel the urge to mention something inappropriate and obvious about their bodies too ("And you, ma'am, have bad breath." "You are forty pounds over weight", or "sex change operation?"). Resist. 

You might have all the feels. You may alternate between feelings of frustration and isolation, feeling like the first person on earth who has ever been pregnant and having NO ONE understand the plight of carrying another human internally for 24 hours a day; being angry and frustrated with all of humanity; and being grateful and tearful over each blade of grass you see, each opportunity you have to connect with others, each healthy checkup with your midwives, each time you put gas in a car that reliably works. I don't mean to complain but this cycle is exhausting. 

In the ninth month you are hot. You are swollen.  You feel bigger than the side of a barn you used to make out behind when you were a teenager. Your back hurts. You are tired. You have a pregnancy swagger that can only be described as a waddle. 

You appreciate the miracle of life that you are carrying, and understand that people pay tens of thousands of dollars to be in the condition that you're in, while you did little more than make out behind that barn. And while you appreciate these things, also you don't always love the condition that you're in. You are ready to get that fat baby out of your belly, even if you don't always feel ready to bring him home. The ninth month is like baby purgatory and you are stuck between being fearful that you'll be pregnant forever, and fearful that you won't. It's pregatory. 

The only thing worse than the 9th month....is the 10th. Come on, baby. 

Preparing for Parenthood: Pregnancy

Well, here we are in the 7th-ish month of my pregnancy with BeYoYo. While I'm no pro, this is my third pregnancy, sort of. I had a miscarriage before I had The Boy. Then, because The Husband and I didn't know yet that we are really good at getting pregnant (like, pass each other in the hall and we are pregnant) *blush*, we were immediately pregnant again. So if my pregnancy with The Boy felt like I was pregnant for a year straight, it's only because I was.  Now here we are again. So, while I'm no Michelle Duggar, I feel like I'm fairly familiar with the plight miracle of pregnancy. If you're considering this journey but aren't sure if you're ready, here are some simple steps to get you prepared.

How to Prepare Your Wife For Pregnancy

-Rent a circus elephant to sit on her chest and torso for five minutes. Once she can tolerate five minutes, work up to 12 hours a day. Have her work, clean, cook, or complete any normal daily activities with said elephant.

-Secretly invite over people who have (or who are recovering from) the stomach virus. You want your wife to be nauseated, vomiting, or on the verge of vomiting for about 6 hours a day for the first three months. If you want extra spousal points, offer to hold her hair back while she hangs over the toilet.

-While she is sleeping, replace 3/4 of her wardrobe with children's clothes. Start with a large children's size, so that they almost fit. Then, gradually replace them with smaller and smaller clothes until her closet is filled with toddler shirts and pants. All yoga pants can stay.

-If you can manage it, find a way to replace some of her joints with silly putty. This will ensure that the joints occasionally give out and she collapses to the floor upon standing. You should also practice not laughing when this happens.

-Find a way to injure her without her knowing. This injury should involve the lower back, and should last for 3-4 months. Shooting sciatic pain down one or both legs is also acceptable. If you prefer not to injure your spouse*, you can also install a 25 pound weight in her shirt to do the trick.

-At night time, elevate her head to reduce heart burn. Elevate her feet to reduce swelling. Have her lie on her side with a pillow between her knees to help with sciatica. You may need to hire a professional circus contortionist for consultations. See if you can get a package discount with the elephant. 

-Monitor her diet so that she can no longer have alcoholic drinks, sushi, bagged salads, certain fish, queso, Gorgonzola, feta, blue cheese, sprouts, or deli meats. Go to restaurants that serve many of these newly forbidden foods.

-When your wife gets up to pee in the night, you must ask in a panicked voice what's wrong and if she's ok. Never, ever assume she just needs to urinate more frequently, no matter how predictable the pattern.

The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

*I do not actually endorse injuring your spouse. 


How to Prepare Your Husband For Pregnancy

-Cry. There should be no algorithm for this. Just sprinkle some tears around throughout your day (and his) with no warning and no predictable pattern. Good reasons include the death of Martin Luther King, Jr., and your toddler pajama shirt not fitting over your belly.

-Eat. Eat a lot, and especially eat the last of anything your husband was looking forward to. If he asks what you'd like from the grocery store, declare you need wasabi and brownies. If he complains, this is an acceptable occasion to cry.

-Gradually take up more room in the bed. I'd recommend investing in a maternity pillow, which will make this task dramatically easier. Ideally, it should be as big as a full grown person, or two.

-If your partner asks what you did today, say you grew new arms and legs and supported another life. Ask what HE did today.

-Each time you dine out remind your husband which foods you cannot eat, as well as which foods make you nauseous, so that he won't forget the sacrifices you're making for your family. This is most effective if you do so while he's enjoying a beer and sushi. If you feel guilty, you may tell him how delicious the wasabi is.

-Begin to leave the milk in the pantry and the cereal in the fridge. If he questions you about this, remind him that you are busy sustaining new life and can't be responsible for EVERYTHING.

-Set an alarm to wake him up 3-4 times per night. Walk around your room, turn the bathroom light on, sigh loudly, and return to bed. Be irritated if your husband asks if you're okay. Be irritated if he doesn't wake up.

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That's it! After doing these activities for just 10 months (40 weeks = 10 months) you'll be prepared for pregnancy!

If these suggestions don't work, you may also try to simulate acid reflux, high blood pressure, swollen limbs, Braxton Hicks contractions, hives, poor body image, vaginal pain, acne, rhinitis, frequent urination, hemorrhoids, asthma, irritable bowel syndrome, alien embodiment, or general grouchiness. Just kidding, the grouchiness will come on its own.

FAQs of this pregnancy

-When are you due? 

August. We're halfway there. Woohoo!

-Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?

Yes. The Boy will tell you here:

Part of me was hoping for a girl JUST so their blog names could be The Boy and The Girl. Iknowright? But alas, the little lass is healthy and we are all happy. 

-Have you been feeling okay?

Not really. I've been ultra nauseous this go 'round. I've puked at our new house, at nanny's house, at my niece's 5th birthday party, in a plastic bag in the car, at family Christmas, in the shower, in a church parking lot at a Christmas cantata, and once, with no warning, all over myself as I was driving down the road. One day I realized I was vomitting in the toilet with a Buzz Lightyear in my hand. I'm happy to say I think I'm getting past the  all day  morning sickness and nausea.

The Boy likes to stand outside the bathroom and narrate my vomitting. "Mama! You said 'blarg'......'blech'.....'gurg'" Then the Husband intervenes and says "mama doesn't feel very well. Let's leave her alone for a few minutes." This week The Boy came eagerly in the bathroom and said "I need to spit out a yucky." Then he fake spit and sputtered in the toilet, grinning, and turned to me and said "mama, can you weave me awone?" Gladly. 

-What does The Boy think?

He's excited. He's a little disappointed that the baby doesn't have a tail. He pats my belly and says "hey baby!", and one day looked into my belly button and said he saw a foot. He spontaneously talks about things he'll help the baby do, like play the guitar and walk down the stairs. He doesn't realize the two are related, but he's also excited that he's now allowed to drink "spicy water" aka Sprite, and eat pita chips for breakfast. In my bed. I don't think he knows how his life is going to change... Since the first day we told him he has consistently announced that the baby shall be named BeYoYo.

Me: Well, BeYoYo is a good nickname but me and daddy haven't decided yet what his name will be.
The Boy: But I already decided. BeYoYo.

Pity, Party of One

Warning: graphic pictures of hives ahead. 

We have been sick. Like, sick sick. In August I had mono, which pretty much wiped me out for about 3 months. Then the flu over Thanksgiving. The Boy was on two steroids between Christmas and the end of the year for croup. Then I developed a bad sinus infection, and what I thought was pink eye. Turns out I just had so much mucus in my body it was draining out of my eye. And that infection, along with the flu and mono, left me with a weakened immune system. I got a nasty ulcer in my mouth that made my whole jaw sore and heavy. All the mucus made me nauseous, and when I went to spit it out, my jaw throbbed from bending over. Plus, you know from yesterday's post that I'm pregnant, and I had super pregnancy nausea and was hurling or on the verge of hurling at all times. The Boy said "mama, in de bafroom you say '(insert gagging noises/laughter here)'".

So all of that was starting to clear up, thanks to steroids, nausea meds and an antibiotic, when I started itching. One Sunday night two months ago I got itchy for no reason. We went to see my grandmother, we ran errands, I went to church. Then when we got home my itchiness increased. The Boy was in bed and The Husband was cooking dinner. I started to get a rash on my arm. Then my leg. Then The Husband said "let me see your face. You've got them on your face!" I thought he was kidding. He was not.

It was hives. For the first time in my life I was breaking out in hives, having a reaction to some unknown allergen. Apparently you can develop new allergies when you're pregnant. I started to fix myself an oatmeal bath, and they were popping up so fast I was watching them appear. I looked like a medical textbook, and I was part freaked out and part fascinated. I'd not eaten anything different, not changed detergent or used a new soap. Hives appeared on my arms, my inner legs, my stomach and torso, my neck and face; and boy, were they itchy. I dare you not to feel itchy just looking at them. 

Even my eyes had hives. My skin was writhing, and the oatmeal bath was not helping. I called my midwife at 9:30 on a Sunday night, who told me to take Benadryl and go to bed. Why didn't I think of that? We prepped the spare bedroom just in case we had to go to the ER and call someone to sleep at our house. 

Eye Hives: AKA, I'm An Avatar

The next morning they were a little better, but still covering much of my legs. They'd morphed into one giant hive on my stomach. I went in to the midwife. It's never a good thing when you show your midwife something and her reaction is to gasp. She was unsure what "environmental allergen" had caused it, but prescribed me some predisone to help clear it up. She told me to take more Benadryl and go to bed, and to use some OTC cream.

Over the next two days the hives improved. On Wednesday morning I woke up writhing and covered again. Even my eyes were swollen and red.  I hadn't been exposed to anything new. So bizarre. I went back to the doctor, and got a higher dose of prednisone, a prescription cream, a prescription for itching meds, and a recommendation to take Zantac (yes, Zantac) and Claritin.

Over the next week they cleared up and I haven't had any new outbreaks. I've been to the allergist, who said "huh. You've got hives. We may never know why..." He wouldn't do a scratch test because I'm pregnant. Thanks. Since then we have been back to the doctor with another case of croup, which the petri-dish of a kid passed on to me. Last weekend we moved into our new house while The Boy had a temperature of 103. Where'd we pack the meds? 

While The Boy bounced back quickly, I'm now on day 12 of this snotty-coughing-sore throat virus. The Husband has single handedly moved every thing in the house on his own (including new appliances and a new hot water heater) while The Boy and I lie around watching cartoons. I feel like I have been useless since August. Or at least November. 

On second thought, what have I got to complain about? Maybe it was all worth putting my feet up during the move. And the packing. And the working. And the construction. And the Holidays. Can you say free pass? Cough, cough......

Here's hoping we're on the mend! 

Labor and Labor

I'm not sure why they call it labor and delivery. It should just be labor. It's not like someone with a magnetic sign on their Camry rings your doorbell and says "here's your order. You had one baby, extra cuddly, light on the crying, right?" Even when you have help you do all the work. Here are some quotes from when I was in labor with the H-man. My water broke at home, and we waited until my contractions were close before going to the hospital, periodically talking to my midwife on the phone. It was wild, but an overwhelmingly positive experience. I've been really fortunate in my life to get to do a lot of cool things. Giving birth was by far the most amazing, adrenaline producing, empowering thing I've ever done.

Here are the key players.
Meredith- my midwife
Rhonda- the midwife student. She actually delivered Hud.
Tabby- L&D nurse
The Husband
My mom
Me

My water broke in a huge puddle on the bathroom floor as we were getting ready to go to the mall to walk around, hoping to bring on contractions.
Me: Husband?
Husband: Yeah?
Me: My water just broke.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Open the door and look.
Husband: Whoa.

Me: Call our family and tell them to be on stand by but not to come right now.
Husband, on the phone: No....Don't rush....No.....At home......Not now.....Her contractions haven't even started.......We'll call you......Do NOT beat us to the hospital, mom!

Me: I need to take another shower.
Husband: Okay, I'll help you get to the hall bathroom.
Me: I can just take one in the little shower.
Husband: I'm not sure you'll fit.
Me: Good point.

Me (to midwife) How will I know when to go to the hospital?
Meredith: You'll know.
Me: I don't think I will.
Meredith: A good rule of thumb is when your contractions are 3-5 minutes apart, or when you lose your sense of humor.

I had been having contractions for two weeks so I knew what they felt like. About an hour after my water broke they started out light and gradually got stronger but weren't getting consistently close together. The Husband was timing them.

Me: How far apart are they now?
Husband: 8 minutes, then 14 minutes.
Me: Damn. I'm going to pick up sticks in the yard to speed this along.
Husband: I don't think that's a good idea.
Me: Fine, you don't have to go.

Text from dad: We came to Athens.
Me: Why?
Dad: Oh, we just needed to do some errands.
Me: What? It could be hours. 
Dad: We're at Academy. How far apart are contractions?
Me: Not consistent.
Dad: What are you doing now?
Me: You know I'm in labor!
Dad: I know but are you walking?
Me: I'm picking up sticks in the yard!
Dad: I don't think that's a good idea.

Me: How far are they now?
Husband: You don't want to know.

Me: I want to get back in the bath.

Husband: Your dad's here.
Me: What?!?! No.
Husband (at the door): She's in the bath. We'll call you later (shuts the door).

Me: It's time to go!
Husband: Okay. Car's ready.
Me: I'M READY!
Husband: Meredith was right about the sense of humor.

(On the way to the hospital) SHIT FIRE!
Husband: (Laughs) Shit fire? What is that? That's funny, hon.
Husband: (Looks over at me as he is driving. Sees my very serious expression) It's not funny. Not at all.

I walked in the ER 9 months pregnant and practicing controlled breathing. I'm sure it was apparent I was in labor. 
Me: Whooooooooo.
ER receptionist: What seems to be the problem today?
Me: Whooooooooo. Really?

Tabby: What's your weight?
Me: Eight hundred. At least.

Me: Someone's leaking in here!

Me: I think my butt's going to explode!

Me (to Husband): Don't touch me. 

Me: Rhonda, I'm sorry you had to come here. Did you have a date or something fun planned tonight?
Rhonda: No! All I do is work and study.
Me: Good. 

Me (In the hospital whirlpool tub): Where's my phone? I want my music.
The Husband retrieves my phone and plays my relaxing playlist.
(60 seconds later)
Me: Turn that down!
(Another 60 seconds later)
Me: Turn that off!

Me: I want to get out of the bath.

Me: I don't know how dogs and cats do this without help!
Meredith: You're doing this without help.
Me: Do you SEE how many people are in here?

Me: Let's talk about that shot to take the edge off.
Rhonda. Okay.
Me: You start. Go.

Me: I want to get back in the bath.

Me: Husband, are you okay?
Husband: I'm fine.
Me: Are you totally grossed out?
Husband: (Obviously lying) No. 

We knew The Boy's middle name was going to be Stiles. As I'm breathing and pushing:
Me: Husband? Whooooo.
Husband: Yeah baby?
Me: Whooooooo...................... Can his middle name be Lee? Whooooooo.....After my granddad.
Husband: Anything you want.

Me: Oh my God. HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD. Holy shit.
Me: Can they hear me out in the hall?
Meredith: No, we shut the door. They can't hear anything.
Me: Oh. GOD!
After The Boy was born and our families came in my sister said "Are you okay? We could hear everything!"

Me: I think my butt is going to explode.
Rhonda: Yes, there's a lot of pressure down there as his head is pushing.
Me: No. It's actually going to explode.
Meredith: That doesn't happen.
Me: It happened to my friend Lori!
Meredith: Well, we don't let that happen.
Me: Yes you do! You delivered her baby!
Meredith: Lori who?
I tell her Lori's name.
Meredith: Well, she's much better now.

Me: I think it's okay if my mom wants to come in here. Will you go ask her?
Husband (to midwives): Are y'all okay if I walk out in the hall for a minute?
Both nod yes.
Me: Medical professionals! Are y'all okay if this guy who's never done this before goes out in the hall for 30 seconds?!
Meredith: Leigh Ellen, I think he just didn't want to miss anything.
Me: Gimme a break!

Me (to my mom): Don't touch me.

Me: (I had requested intermittent monitoring instead of continual monitoring) Tabby, I'm TIRED of you coming over here and putting that monitor on me!!

Mom: How's her blood pressure?
Me: They've got this under control, Mom. You have got to behave if you want to stay in here.

Me: Rhonda, you're hurting me! Get your hands out of me.
Rhonda: I'm not touching you. That's your baby.
Me: Then get HIM out of me!

Rhonda: You are making me laugh!
Husband: She's a stand-up comedienne.
Me: No I'm NOT!!

Meredith: Hold your leg up like this.
Me: I don't like that. 
Meredith: Okay, the next time you have a contraction you need to push.
Me: I have to do everything.

Rhonda: Okay, we're getting close. Reach your hand down here and feel his head.
Me: No. I won't.

Tabby, Meredith, and Husband: PUSHPUSHPUSHPUSHPUSH!
Me: What do y'all think I'm doing up here?

At 10:29 The Babe was born. He was perfect.

Meredith: Here he is! He's got your nose.
Rhonda: Dad, you want to cut the cord?
Husband: Ugh, no.

Me: He's perfect. Has he got all his fingers and toes? I have been waiting so long to meet you. (In pain) RHONDA!

Meredith: Did y'all bring a camera? You should take some pictures.
Me: Oh yeah. Get the camera!

The Boy laid on my chest for a long time before Tabby had to take him. My mom and The Husband follow him to the warming bed next to my bed to watch him get weighed and cleaned.
Me: Hey! I'm still in pain over here. Can't somebody hold my hand or something? I have a baby and everybody forgets about me.

All our family came in to see him.
Me (to my dad): Don't touch me!