Labor and Labor

I'm not sure why they call it labor and delivery. It should just be labor. It's not like someone with a magnetic sign on their Camry rings your doorbell and says "here's your order. You had one baby, extra cuddly, light on the crying, right?" Even when you have help you do all the work. Here are some quotes from when I was in labor with the H-man. My water broke at home, and we waited until my contractions were close before going to the hospital, periodically talking to my midwife on the phone. It was wild, but an overwhelmingly positive experience. I've been really fortunate in my life to get to do a lot of cool things. Giving birth was by far the most amazing, adrenaline producing, empowering thing I've ever done.

Here are the key players.
Meredith- my midwife
Rhonda- the midwife student. She actually delivered Hud.
Tabby- L&D nurse
The Husband
My mom
Me

My water broke in a huge puddle on the bathroom floor as we were getting ready to go to the mall to walk around, hoping to bring on contractions.
Me: Husband?
Husband: Yeah?
Me: My water just broke.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Open the door and look.
Husband: Whoa.

Me: Call our family and tell them to be on stand by but not to come right now.
Husband, on the phone: No....Don't rush....No.....At home......Not now.....Her contractions haven't even started.......We'll call you......Do NOT beat us to the hospital, mom!

Me: I need to take another shower.
Husband: Okay, I'll help you get to the hall bathroom.
Me: I can just take one in the little shower.
Husband: I'm not sure you'll fit.
Me: Good point.

Me (to midwife) How will I know when to go to the hospital?
Meredith: You'll know.
Me: I don't think I will.
Meredith: A good rule of thumb is when your contractions are 3-5 minutes apart, or when you lose your sense of humor.

I had been having contractions for two weeks so I knew what they felt like. About an hour after my water broke they started out light and gradually got stronger but weren't getting consistently close together. The Husband was timing them.

Me: How far apart are they now?
Husband: 8 minutes, then 14 minutes.
Me: Damn. I'm going to pick up sticks in the yard to speed this along.
Husband: I don't think that's a good idea.
Me: Fine, you don't have to go.

Text from dad: We came to Athens.
Me: Why?
Dad: Oh, we just needed to do some errands.
Me: What? It could be hours. 
Dad: We're at Academy. How far apart are contractions?
Me: Not consistent.
Dad: What are you doing now?
Me: You know I'm in labor!
Dad: I know but are you walking?
Me: I'm picking up sticks in the yard!
Dad: I don't think that's a good idea.

Me: How far are they now?
Husband: You don't want to know.

Me: I want to get back in the bath.

Husband: Your dad's here.
Me: What?!?! No.
Husband (at the door): She's in the bath. We'll call you later (shuts the door).

Me: It's time to go!
Husband: Okay. Car's ready.
Me: I'M READY!
Husband: Meredith was right about the sense of humor.

(On the way to the hospital) SHIT FIRE!
Husband: (Laughs) Shit fire? What is that? That's funny, hon.
Husband: (Looks over at me as he is driving. Sees my very serious expression) It's not funny. Not at all.

I walked in the ER 9 months pregnant and practicing controlled breathing. I'm sure it was apparent I was in labor. 
Me: Whooooooooo.
ER receptionist: What seems to be the problem today?
Me: Whooooooooo. Really?

Tabby: What's your weight?
Me: Eight hundred. At least.

Me: Someone's leaking in here!

Me: I think my butt's going to explode!

Me (to Husband): Don't touch me. 

Me: Rhonda, I'm sorry you had to come here. Did you have a date or something fun planned tonight?
Rhonda: No! All I do is work and study.
Me: Good. 

Me (In the hospital whirlpool tub): Where's my phone? I want my music.
The Husband retrieves my phone and plays my relaxing playlist.
(60 seconds later)
Me: Turn that down!
(Another 60 seconds later)
Me: Turn that off!

Me: I want to get out of the bath.

Me: I don't know how dogs and cats do this without help!
Meredith: You're doing this without help.
Me: Do you SEE how many people are in here?

Me: Let's talk about that shot to take the edge off.
Rhonda. Okay.
Me: You start. Go.

Me: I want to get back in the bath.

Me: Husband, are you okay?
Husband: I'm fine.
Me: Are you totally grossed out?
Husband: (Obviously lying) No. 

We knew The Boy's middle name was going to be Stiles. As I'm breathing and pushing:
Me: Husband? Whooooo.
Husband: Yeah baby?
Me: Whooooooo...................... Can his middle name be Lee? Whooooooo.....After my granddad.
Husband: Anything you want.

Me: Oh my God. HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD. Holy shit.
Me: Can they hear me out in the hall?
Meredith: No, we shut the door. They can't hear anything.
Me: Oh. GOD!
After The Boy was born and our families came in my sister said "Are you okay? We could hear everything!"

Me: I think my butt is going to explode.
Rhonda: Yes, there's a lot of pressure down there as his head is pushing.
Me: No. It's actually going to explode.
Meredith: That doesn't happen.
Me: It happened to my friend Lori!
Meredith: Well, we don't let that happen.
Me: Yes you do! You delivered her baby!
Meredith: Lori who?
I tell her Lori's name.
Meredith: Well, she's much better now.

Me: I think it's okay if my mom wants to come in here. Will you go ask her?
Husband (to midwives): Are y'all okay if I walk out in the hall for a minute?
Both nod yes.
Me: Medical professionals! Are y'all okay if this guy who's never done this before goes out in the hall for 30 seconds?!
Meredith: Leigh Ellen, I think he just didn't want to miss anything.
Me: Gimme a break!

Me (to my mom): Don't touch me.

Me: (I had requested intermittent monitoring instead of continual monitoring) Tabby, I'm TIRED of you coming over here and putting that monitor on me!!

Mom: How's her blood pressure?
Me: They've got this under control, Mom. You have got to behave if you want to stay in here.

Me: Rhonda, you're hurting me! Get your hands out of me.
Rhonda: I'm not touching you. That's your baby.
Me: Then get HIM out of me!

Rhonda: You are making me laugh!
Husband: She's a stand-up comedienne.
Me: No I'm NOT!!

Meredith: Hold your leg up like this.
Me: I don't like that. 
Meredith: Okay, the next time you have a contraction you need to push.
Me: I have to do everything.

Rhonda: Okay, we're getting close. Reach your hand down here and feel his head.
Me: No. I won't.

Tabby, Meredith, and Husband: PUSHPUSHPUSHPUSHPUSH!
Me: What do y'all think I'm doing up here?

At 10:29 The Babe was born. He was perfect.

Meredith: Here he is! He's got your nose.
Rhonda: Dad, you want to cut the cord?
Husband: Ugh, no.

Me: He's perfect. Has he got all his fingers and toes? I have been waiting so long to meet you. (In pain) RHONDA!

Meredith: Did y'all bring a camera? You should take some pictures.
Me: Oh yeah. Get the camera!

The Boy laid on my chest for a long time before Tabby had to take him. My mom and The Husband follow him to the warming bed next to my bed to watch him get weighed and cleaned.
Me: Hey! I'm still in pain over here. Can't somebody hold my hand or something? I have a baby and everybody forgets about me.

All our family came in to see him.
Me (to my dad): Don't touch me!