Me: Husband, Know what I'd like for Valentine's day?
Husband: We don't celebrate Valentine's.
Me: I know, but it's free.
Husband: What?
Me: Would you puh-lease empty out that dead bird out of the bird feeder?
Husband: It might already be gone.
Me: Did you already empty it?
Husband. No.
Me: Then who did?
Husband: Maggots! Happy Valentine's Day, hon.
Ain't he sweet?
In unrelated news, my jaw has been hurting for two weeks. We have a big fundraiser at work this weekend (shameless plug: click to learn about Mardi Gras Athens) so I thought it was stress-related TMJ. It started as a pain in my jaw hinge and evolved into pain in my ear and all down my jaw line. I couldn't even eat. So I went to the dentist yesterday. You should know I've been with the same dentist for more than twenty years. He pulled a baby tooth when I was little, took out my wisdom teeth, fixed my front tooth after a tragic swing dance accident in high school, did 3 subsequent root canals, and coached me on how to super glue a crown back in when I was studying abroad in Buenos Aires and wary of going to an Argentine dentist. We've got history.
Dr. P. worked me in. I took The Boy to mother-in-law's work, with plans for my mom to pick him up there if it took more than an hour. I took my top retainer from the orthodontist that keeps my teeth from shifting and my bottom splint that prevents me from grinding at night. Turns out I needed my jaw realigned, presumably from grinding. I could be dramatic here, but it wasn't painful; pretty anticlimactic. In fact, it was nice to relax in the chair for an hour.
The good news is that my jaw is getting better. I got a new top retainer, one of those clear plastic ones that doesn't have any metal. He also readjusted my splint so that it actually fits and will prevent me from grinding. The bad news is that I have to wear both of them all the time for a few days to help keep my jaw aligned. The bottom one is large and uncomfortable and gives me a listhp and won't let my teeth touch at all. It's really sexy. Here's our initial exchange:
Dr. P: What's going on here?
Me: My jaw hurts here, and here, and when I lay down, here.
Dr. P: Have you been grinding?
Me: Probably.
Dr. P: Open for me.
Me: (Opening) Hurts.
Dr. P: Looks like your jaw's all out of whack.
Dr. P: Have you been wearing your splint?
Me: No. It's uncomfortable and I always take it out in the night.
Dr. P: Do you have any idea how long you keep it in?
Me: No, I'm asleep.
Dental Hygienist, Kelly: She brought it with her today.
Dr. P: We'll look.
Me: I have been wearing my retainer from Dr. Waugh. It keeps me from grinding.
Dr. P: (Skeptical) How?
Me: My teeth can't touch when I wear it.
Dr. P: Can you wear them both?
Me: I just found out I can. But I don't.
Kelly: It hits on her incisors so she's been wearing it instead.
Dr. P: So you've been using it to try to prevent grinding?
Me: Yes.
Dr. P: Do you wear it every night?
Me: No. I just started wearing it again when it started hurting.
Dr. P: Do you have it?
Me: Yes....But it's broken. My dog ate it.
Dr. P: The dog ate the retainer?
Me: Yes. And broke it. And then I brushed it and tried to sanitize it in the microwave. And it warped.
Dr. P.: So basically you've got two retainers that don't fit and aren't doing what they're supposed to.
Me: Right.
Kelly handed it to Dr. P.
Dr. P: This is pitiful! Leigh Ellen, you can't put metal in the microwave. That's why it warped, it pulled away from the metal here. Next time soak it in some Listerine!
Me: I didn't think about it.
Front office staff: Leigh Ellen's mother is here to check on her.
Dr. P: Her mother?
Front office staff: Yes. With the baby. (I figured she was on her way back from picking him up)
Dr. P: Ha! (over his shoulder) We're finishing up. Should be another 20 minutes or so. Tell her it'll be four more hours.
Dr. P (to me): Now your mom's trying to hurry you out of here, baby must be fussy. You're mom'll be in here tomorrow and I'll be fitting her for a splint for all this stress you're causing!
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