Quotes from Labor

Now that I've had some time to reflect on BeYoYo's birth story and have processed it ad nauseum with the people present, I present to you: Quotes From Labor. You'll remember this is how labor went down, and these gems from The Boy's birth too. I'd been having contractions since 15 weeks.

I've been timing contractions for hours and they've been consistently about 5 minutes apart.
Me: I'm just going to call Anika (midwife) and see what she says.
Husband: About what?

Me (having a strong contraction) Ohhhhhhehhhhh.
Husband (to boy) Let's go play. I think mommy needs a minute.

Me: Anika said to come in if I want, or stay home until I can't breathe through them. Should we call my dad to come get The Boy?
Husband: I'm not sure you're in labor.
Me: Thanks, Doc.

Me: Did you call your mom?
Husband: No, I will once we know if you're in labor.

Me: We're going to go to the hospital to see if the baby is ready to come out today.
The Boy: I don't think he is.
Me: What's with you people?

At the hospital-

Nurse: what do you weigh?
Me: 700.
Nurse: Do you drink?
Me: No.
Nurse: Smoke?
Husband: Smoke what?
Nurse: Cigarettes.
Me: No.
Nurse: Do you-
Me:-wait. He's kidding. I don't smoke anything.

Nurse: Are you HIV positive?
Me: No.
Nurse: Have you been exposed to Hepatitis B?
Me: No.
Nurse: Have you been exposed to ebola?
Me: No.
Nurse: I'm kidding.

Anika: So, it looks like you're dialated to about a 4.
Me: No. No. No. No. It has to be more than that.
Anika: I'm sorry.

Me: Anika, this beeping is irritating me. I cannot handle it anymore.
Anika: we can turn your baby's heartbeat down if that would help.
Me: Thank you.

Me: Anika, I have an important question.
Anika: Yes?
Me: What percentage of your patients would you say shave their stuff?
Anika (laughs): what??
Me: Labescaping. What percentage?
Anika: I'd say 40.

Me: Anika said she can break my water.
Husband: Are we having a baby?? Are we staying here?
Me: Are you KIDDING ME?

Midnight.
Husband: I just sent a text to my mom with a picture of a baby picture from google and told her he's here. Ha!

Me, to Husband: I'm never doing this again. Do you understand?
Husband: Yes.

Me, to 20 year old sister: this is what happens when you have sex.
Sister: No. Stop it. No.

We had a plastic lime juice bottle that we froze so the husband could roll it on my back during contractions.
Me: Where's the lime? I need it.
Husband: I don't know where it is. Here, this will do. (Rolls diet coke can on my back).

Anika checked my progress.
Me: (Expletives)! I told you there's no more room for anything else in there!

Beast from within me: DID. YOU. JUST. SAY. 'CALM DOWN'?!
Husband: I said [the contraction] "it's coming down."

OBGYN: I'm Dr. Leach, and I'm here to do the C-section.
Me: Thank you for saving Terri's life. She's my friend.
OBGYN: Ok.

Anesthesiologist: I'm the anesthesiologist, and I'm here to talk to you about the spinal.
Me: I don't really want to hear about it.
Anesthesiologist: I have to tell you about it to get your consent.
Me: Fine.

Mom: I can't believe you told the doctor you didn't want to hear about it.

Sister: At least-
Me: -Just be quiet.

Me: I'm never doing this again.

Me: Is this my last contraction? This is the last contraction I'm ever going to have.
Anika: It's ONE of the last I bet.

Me: Anika, tell us about a vasectomy.
Anika: that's not my end, hon.

Me: Oh, no. That's another conttttttttttractionnnnnnn.

--In the O.R. --

Me: This looks like an alien abduction in here.
Anesthesiologist: But with better company.

Nurse: Don't touch anything blue.
Me: I'm pretty sure I'm not going to touch anything.

OBGYN: Don't touch your leg there! That's sterile! Someone get the straps. (Proceed to strap my arms down).

Anika: We need you to bend over, make your back a C for the spinal. You can hold on to me.
Me: (Expletives) but I'm having another contracTION. That's the last one, okay?

Anesthisiologist: Can you feel this? (pokes all down my leg)
Me: No.
Anesthesiologist: That means the spinal is working. I was poking your leg with a needle.

Me, to husband: I'm never doing this again.
Husband: Okay, you don't have to.
Me: You can get a vasectomy.
Husband: We don't have to decide right now.
Me: There's nothing to decide.

Anesthesiologist, mid surgery: Hi, I'm Dr. So and so, your new anesthesiologist.
Husband: what happened to the other one?
Anesthesiologist: shift change.

After baby was born and doing well, The Boy came to meet him.
The Boy(looking at his brother): Is he born?
Me: Yes, he's here! He's here to stay.
The Boy: Why?
Me: Once you're born you're always born and you can't go back in.
The Boy: Can I get back in your belly? (Lifts my dress to head in)
Me: NO. No you definitely cannot.

Donna is the lactation consultant.
Me: He's getting hungry, and I want to see if his latch is okay. Can you call Donna?
Husband: Hey, ask for the Wolfman!