The Boy just finished his first soccer season. The 4U league is hilarious. By the last game they finally had things mostly figured out, and actually scored goals and whatnot. The Boy did pretty well for his first season, immersing himself into the soccer culture (when BeYoYo tried to pull up on the furniture, The Boy said "he's taking a knee!"). Thankfully we were in a low-pressure, low-skill group of first timers. Parents cheered for both teams, and parent coaches looked less like Walter Matthau in Bad News Bears and more like Seth Rogen, before he thought he was cute.
Here's a clip from their very first game. If you aren't sure which is The Boy, keep your eye on the ball. Yes, that's me yelling. I'm such a soccer mom.
So, like I said, by the end they got it all together and he even scored goals without using his hands. Here are some rules from their playbook:
1. The show must go on. Even if you are trampled, and even if it's us that tramples you. And even if the other team isn't all that close or interested in the ball.
2. Position, position, position. This is important, and sometimes positioning can be more like a giant game of chess.
3. Show some leg.
4. In case of boredom, ride the flag. Other appropriate boredom busters include taking the flag off and delivering it to the coach, or chasing trash across the field mid-game.
4. You really gotta get in there to guard your goal.
5. Intimidate them with the frog pose.
6. Make sure you can see your teammates at all times. Use binoculars when necessary.
7. Two words: victory dance.
7b. We really can't overemphasize the victory dance. These are in no way tied to actual athletic effort or outcome, by the way.
8. Sneak a little brother on the field for extra support.
9. Speaking of brothers, it's fine to run off the field mid-game to hug yours. Boosts morale.
10. Assume the stance.
11. Pouting gets you nowhere. You'll want to play when it's not your turn, and you won't want to play when it is. Life lessons are hard.
12. In sports, stealing is allowed. But preferably not from your own team.
13. In soccer you aren't supposed to use your hands. To remind you, put them up your nose instead.
14. Fake 'em out with the ole "I broke my back" pose. They won't realize you are really a threatening eagle until it's too late.
15. We're all winners! When my dad asked The Boy if his team won, he said "yeah, but we're all still friends, wight, mom?" Wight, buddy.
