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| Is she baptizing this baby or what? |
And then I had a baby.
And I cried when I spilt the milk that I'd pumped. And long walks in strollers led to getting rained on and bringing a soggy, sad baby into the house with no thought of the mud I was tracking in. And he spit out the organic, free range baby food and splattered it on the wall, where he attempted to paint in it. And he left a trail of toys and dishes and food and junk all over the house, and there was no time for relaxing. Note: the meditating on all I have to be thankful for at the end of each day was the only accurate part of this vision.
If you're preparing to have a baby, you're going to need a bag of flour with a cantaloupe balanced on top. Have someone come into your house and cook, throw clothes on the floor, stack bottles in the kitchen and eat half a sandwich without cleaning anything up. Give the flour baby to your friend, and have them set a 3 minute timer. You may begin to clean when the timer begins, but every three minutes you must hold the baby for 20 minutes. If you try to carefully balance the flour in one hand so that you can use your other hand, the cantaloupe will fall off and you'll have to start again. You may heat the flour baby to a temperature of 100 and wear it in a wrap around your body, but if you choose to do this you must check to ensure it is breathing every 60 seconds, and also now you must clean with a baby between you and anything you try to touch.
If you think you'll clean when the baby naps, he'll only nap on you, and you'll be too exhausted to care. Every other time you hold the bag of flour you should alternate being topless and having someone spill something on you. This is how you will live for the next three months, and you will love it.
Cleaning with an infant is hard because you have little time to do it. Cleaning with a toddler is hard because they work diligently at undoing anything you've just done. If you're preparing for cleaning up with a toddler, have a friend on hand. As you take a dish out of the dishwasher and place it on the counter, have your friend take one out and place it on the floor. If it's tupperware, have them place it on the dog. If it's a spoon, have them play the drums on a fondu pot. If it's a knife, have them lick it. You'll need to rewash all of those. When your friend gets bored with this game, clean feverishly when they walk away. Discover that they were keeping themself entertained by using their toothbrush to brush the dog's teeth.
Having a toddler is like cleaning up after a Harlem Shake video all the time.
There is inevitably something on someone's head, random half-costumes are everywhere, there are crazy dance moves, the music makes little sense, and you're not sure why it seems so glamorous. Some examples:
While you continue with the dishwasher, have your friend remove all their clothes and throw them. Try to elicit their help in cleaning, and have them take the broom and run the handle along every wall. If you are at your in-laws, the broom can also be used for a rousing game of croquet, as demonstrated here:
Learn to look for clean clothes only on the couch, and clean dishes only in the dishwasher. Learn not to mind that your house looks like it's inhabited by squatters because you will be overwhelmingly impressed with your little flour baby/Harlem Shake video. AND when the mess is driving you to drink you'll remember this poem that you heard long ago:
Cooking and cleaning can wait til tomorrow
For babies grow up, I've learned to my sorrow
So, settle down cobwebs. Dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep
And if you're like me you will write your own third stanza that will be something like
"I could have cleaned during nap while baby rested his head
but it's more fun to blog about my messy house instead."
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