How To Be A Toddler: Summer Camp

The Boy and I are at church camp for five days in Montreat, NC, with a group of 30 youth and adults from our church. We're all staying in two old mountain houses which are beautiful and musty and primitively furnished. It's a bring-your-own-everything kind of place, where the luxuries are found in moss growing on the steps and fog on the lake instead of mini bars and fresh linens.
I'm here as one of four chaperones for the high schoolers, and The Boy is along for the ride. I'm balancing taking care of him and hanging out with them, and he couldn't be happier with the resulting cross-pollination of guitar playing, junk eating, rule bending and teenage attention.
I'm already exhausted from the solo parenting and late night group meetings, so I'm going to let The Boy take over today's post.

Summer Camp
Camp is awesome! Your mom will make everyone be quiet when they come in at night so as not to wake you up. You'll wake up refreshed, two hours earlier than the teenagers. Even though they were all quiet and respectful on your behalf last night, remind your mom that you've not yet developed voice modulation. Talk loudly about everything! Mom will be forced to take you outside to have breakfast on the porch. If you see a moth, put your bagel on the porch, run to the moth, and exclaim "Butterfly! I pet it." while you try to touch it. Cry if it flies away. Ask 75 times "where big kids is?" Then answer your own question: "sweeping!" (Sleeping) When the teenagers wake up and come downstairs, act afraid. Do not speak to them. If you do speak to them, make sure it isn't in English.

While everyone gathers for breakfast, find a plunger among some supplies in the kitchen and put your face into it. When the big kids make gagging noises, laugh like you did a cool trick.

Take a shower with your mom. Cry that the water is too hot or too cold unless it falls within your 2 degree ideal comfort range. While your mom rinses her hair, eat something from the bottom of the shower. When you and mom get out of the shower she'll need a few minutes to dry you off and get your clothes ready. Take this opportunity to pee in the floor. Don't tell her you peed, so that you'll have more time to skate in it.

When your group goes to real worship at a real church service that isn't a part of the youth conference, point to a white headed usher and run up the aisle toward him screaming "Ho Ho! Ho Ho!", thinking you've found Santa. During silent confessions, announce "I hide!" When it's time for the prayer yell out "Dear God!"

At the glow party where everyone is dancing with glow sticks and light up balloons, act like your balloon is an alligator that needs wrestling. If your balloon floats away and a teenager gets it, yell "take turns!", even though you refuse to do the same. What do they think, this is all about them??

 There will be no organic produce or grass fed beef at camp. This is your chance to live it up! Turns out there's a whole world of salty, crunchy, sweet and savory snacks we've been missing out on. Take any morsel any teenager sneaks you at any time. It's bound to be delicious! Now that this world has been opened up to me I'll never settle for carrots or raisins again. Bagels are still okay, since they make good steering wheels.

Treat the teenagers as your own personal waitstaff. If one goes into the kitchen, call out "Annabelle! Annabelle, chip!" and demand she bring you a Cheeto. When she does, demand a big one instead. If any of the big kids want to hold your hand while you walk in the road, consider it an invitation for them to swing you. 300 times.

If your mom packs you a "pdiddy" (peanut butter) sandwich for a picnic by the lake, she'll probably pack extra bread to feed the fish too. Feed the fish all their bread, take a few bites of your sandwich, then throw your sandwich in the lake, exclaiming "fishes wuv pdiddy!"

Finally, going to camp is hard work, so don't forget to pack your puppy.