Every time we drive by a Dollar General store, I give a little salute. To the general, you know. Out of respect. Here's an old story for you. It has nothing to do with The Boy or The Husband, so you can stop reading now if you came here for them.
When I was in college I went to the Dollar General for shampoo and paper towels, and whatever else college kids buy at discount stores. I was walking around, wasting time, not realizing how the world was my oyster and such, when I heard a commotion by the register. Naturally, I got closer so I could see what was going on.
There was a customer talking loudly at the cashier. Apparently she walked down the strip mall to another store and had left her bag in the Dollar Gen and it was now missing. I assume I missed the friendly exchange in the beginning. Now she was mad and she was getting madder. And she was what we call Couwntry. That's like country, but with an extra emphasis on the "ka" sound, and plus add a W in the middle.
Customer: I left my bag in here and now it's gone!
Cashier: I'm sorry, I don't know where it is.
Customer: You remember when I came in here, you made me leave my purchase (from another store) at the counta,
Cashier: --I'm sorry, ma'am. I don't know where it is.
Customer (getting louder): Y'all makin' people leavin' their stuff at the counta, acting like we gon' steal something, can't even carry a bag around, and now somebody stole my stuff!
Cashier: Ma'am-
Customer: Don't ma'am me! Y'all acting like I was gone steal something when I came in here. Y'all acting like anybody want to steal this Dollar General crap. Nobody want the crap in here! Y'all ain't got nothing. All y'all got is a bunch of scraggly ass shit that nobody wants!
Cashier: Ma'am, I need you to lower your voice or I will have to call the police.
Oh law! People were starting to stare. A crowd was starting to form to watch the spectacle that was going down.
The cashier picked up the phone.
Customer: Yeah, call your manager and tell them you stole my bag!
Cashier (on the phone): Hello, this is Dottie from the Dollar General on Barnett Shoals. I need a police officer, please......Yes.......We have an irate customer........No, but she is cursing.....(she continued on the phone).
Customer's friend: Who's cursin'?? I didn't hear no cursin'!
Customer: I did. Yes I did, I said scraggly ass. Ain't gon' lock nobody up for saying scraggly ass! (Sing songs:) Scraggly ass! Scraggly ass! Scraggly ass!
Customer's friend: Nope, they ain't gon' lock nobody up for that.
Cashier: They are sending an officer now to help you.
Customer: Scraggly ass......
The customer seemed to calm down, seemingly appreciative that the police had been called on her. As the show was ending, I paid for my shampoo and began to leave. A police officer showed up and was asking questions of the customer, and telling her that she could not, indeed curse inside the Dollar General. His face seemed to say "I graduated from the police academy to catch criminals, not cursers. I wanted to track down kidnapped kids, not scraggly assed purchases."
I do not know if the lady got her bag back. I felt for her and her plight, but she had no idea that her phrase that day made it into my lexicon, and the lexicon of all that listened to my adventure story that week. I loved it.
Okay, maybe this does have a little to do with The Boy. Longtime readers know that my kid is tiny. He's now up to the fifth percentile in weight. When we tell each other at home that he is fine, healthy, and just a runt, you better believe we refer to him as just an ole S.A. Now you know why. Karma, my friends. Karma.
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