Labor and Labor

I'm not sure why they call it labor and delivery. It should just be labor. It's not like someone with a magnetic sign on their Camry rings your doorbell and says "here's your order. You had one baby, extra cuddly, light on the crying, right?" Even when you have help you do all the work. Here are some quotes from when I was in labor with the H-man. My water broke at home, and we waited until my contractions were close before going to the hospital, periodically talking to my midwife on the phone. It was wild, but an overwhelmingly positive experience. I've been really fortunate in my life to get to do a lot of cool things. Giving birth was by far the most amazing, adrenaline producing, empowering thing I've ever done.

Here are the key players.
Meredith- my midwife
Rhonda- the midwife student. She actually delivered Hud.
Tabby- L&D nurse
The Husband
My mom
Me

My water broke in a huge puddle on the bathroom floor as we were getting ready to go to the mall to walk around, hoping to bring on contractions.
Me: Husband?
Husband: Yeah?
Me: My water just broke.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Open the door and look.
Husband: Whoa.

Me: Call our family and tell them to be on stand by but not to come right now.
Husband, on the phone: No....Don't rush....No.....At home......Not now.....Her contractions haven't even started.......We'll call you......Do NOT beat us to the hospital, mom!

Me: I need to take another shower.
Husband: Okay, I'll help you get to the hall bathroom.
Me: I can just take one in the little shower.
Husband: I'm not sure you'll fit.
Me: Good point.

Me (to midwife) How will I know when to go to the hospital?
Meredith: You'll know.
Me: I don't think I will.
Meredith: A good rule of thumb is when your contractions are 3-5 minutes apart, or when you lose your sense of humor.

I had been having contractions for two weeks so I knew what they felt like. About an hour after my water broke they started out light and gradually got stronger but weren't getting consistently close together. The Husband was timing them.

Me: How far apart are they now?
Husband: 8 minutes, then 14 minutes.
Me: Damn. I'm going to pick up sticks in the yard to speed this along.
Husband: I don't think that's a good idea.
Me: Fine, you don't have to go.

Text from dad: We came to Athens.
Me: Why?
Dad: Oh, we just needed to do some errands.
Me: What? It could be hours. 
Dad: We're at Academy. How far apart are contractions?
Me: Not consistent.
Dad: What are you doing now?
Me: You know I'm in labor!
Dad: I know but are you walking?
Me: I'm picking up sticks in the yard!
Dad: I don't think that's a good idea.

Me: How far are they now?
Husband: You don't want to know.

Me: I want to get back in the bath.

Husband: Your dad's here.
Me: What?!?! No.
Husband (at the door): She's in the bath. We'll call you later (shuts the door).

Me: It's time to go!
Husband: Okay. Car's ready.
Me: I'M READY!
Husband: Meredith was right about the sense of humor.

(On the way to the hospital) SHIT FIRE!
Husband: (Laughs) Shit fire? What is that? That's funny, hon.
Husband: (Looks over at me as he is driving. Sees my very serious expression) It's not funny. Not at all.

I walked in the ER 9 months pregnant and practicing controlled breathing. I'm sure it was apparent I was in labor. 
Me: Whooooooooo.
ER receptionist: What seems to be the problem today?
Me: Whooooooooo. Really?

Tabby: What's your weight?
Me: Eight hundred. At least.

Me: Someone's leaking in here!

Me: I think my butt's going to explode!

Me (to Husband): Don't touch me. 

Me: Rhonda, I'm sorry you had to come here. Did you have a date or something fun planned tonight?
Rhonda: No! All I do is work and study.
Me: Good. 

Me (In the hospital whirlpool tub): Where's my phone? I want my music.
The Husband retrieves my phone and plays my relaxing playlist.
(60 seconds later)
Me: Turn that down!
(Another 60 seconds later)
Me: Turn that off!

Me: I want to get out of the bath.

Me: I don't know how dogs and cats do this without help!
Meredith: You're doing this without help.
Me: Do you SEE how many people are in here?

Me: Let's talk about that shot to take the edge off.
Rhonda. Okay.
Me: You start. Go.

Me: I want to get back in the bath.

Me: Husband, are you okay?
Husband: I'm fine.
Me: Are you totally grossed out?
Husband: (Obviously lying) No. 

We knew The Boy's middle name was going to be Stiles. As I'm breathing and pushing:
Me: Husband? Whooooo.
Husband: Yeah baby?
Me: Whooooooo...................... Can his middle name be Lee? Whooooooo.....After my granddad.
Husband: Anything you want.

Me: Oh my God. HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD. Holy shit.
Me: Can they hear me out in the hall?
Meredith: No, we shut the door. They can't hear anything.
Me: Oh. GOD!
After The Boy was born and our families came in my sister said "Are you okay? We could hear everything!"

Me: I think my butt is going to explode.
Rhonda: Yes, there's a lot of pressure down there as his head is pushing.
Me: No. It's actually going to explode.
Meredith: That doesn't happen.
Me: It happened to my friend Lori!
Meredith: Well, we don't let that happen.
Me: Yes you do! You delivered her baby!
Meredith: Lori who?
I tell her Lori's name.
Meredith: Well, she's much better now.

Me: I think it's okay if my mom wants to come in here. Will you go ask her?
Husband (to midwives): Are y'all okay if I walk out in the hall for a minute?
Both nod yes.
Me: Medical professionals! Are y'all okay if this guy who's never done this before goes out in the hall for 30 seconds?!
Meredith: Leigh Ellen, I think he just didn't want to miss anything.
Me: Gimme a break!

Me (to my mom): Don't touch me.

Me: (I had requested intermittent monitoring instead of continual monitoring) Tabby, I'm TIRED of you coming over here and putting that monitor on me!!

Mom: How's her blood pressure?
Me: They've got this under control, Mom. You have got to behave if you want to stay in here.

Me: Rhonda, you're hurting me! Get your hands out of me.
Rhonda: I'm not touching you. That's your baby.
Me: Then get HIM out of me!

Rhonda: You are making me laugh!
Husband: She's a stand-up comedienne.
Me: No I'm NOT!!

Meredith: Hold your leg up like this.
Me: I don't like that. 
Meredith: Okay, the next time you have a contraction you need to push.
Me: I have to do everything.

Rhonda: Okay, we're getting close. Reach your hand down here and feel his head.
Me: No. I won't.

Tabby, Meredith, and Husband: PUSHPUSHPUSHPUSHPUSH!
Me: What do y'all think I'm doing up here?

At 10:29 The Babe was born. He was perfect.

Meredith: Here he is! He's got your nose.
Rhonda: Dad, you want to cut the cord?
Husband: Ugh, no.

Me: He's perfect. Has he got all his fingers and toes? I have been waiting so long to meet you. (In pain) RHONDA!

Meredith: Did y'all bring a camera? You should take some pictures.
Me: Oh yeah. Get the camera!

The Boy laid on my chest for a long time before Tabby had to take him. My mom and The Husband follow him to the warming bed next to my bed to watch him get weighed and cleaned.
Me: Hey! I'm still in pain over here. Can't somebody hold my hand or something? I have a baby and everybody forgets about me.

All our family came in to see him.
Me (to my dad): Don't touch me!

In The Loo

After a very busy weekend we are at home today with the dreaded stomach flu. The Boy has projectile vomited on both of his parents and the majority of his grandparents. Imagine our horror when he turned a 3 year old's family birthday party into a middle aged wet t-shirt contest on Saturday. The Husband assumed initially that he was throwing up because he ingested something when he choked on the plastic the day before. We didn't know he had the bug before the party, but I imagine we infected several children there. My apologies to their parents in advance and a big Happy birthday to Maher! When the vomiting continued and was accompanied by diarrhea when we got home we knew he had it. Luckily The Husband and I didn't have any symptoms. Thinking I had dodged the bullet my mom and I went to Taste of Athens last night since we already had tickets. The Husband stayed home with the Vomitter.

I love Taste of Athens, the annual fundraiser where dozens of Athens restaurants give samples of their best fare. This year it also coincided with Mardi Gras, so I indulged before I give up meat for lent next week. I sampled sushi, seaweed salad, wings, ribs, crawfish gumbo, cupcakes, shrimp and grits, wine, pure cider, BBQ, squash soup, onion rings, burgers, tenderloin, salad, lasagna and more. It was delicious!

It was much less delicious at 4am this morning when it came back up. Lying on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night with the stomach flu is no time to realize that your Pepto expired. In 2005. The Boy hasn't thrown up since last night so I'm hoping we're at the tail end of it almost through. I only feel bad when I stand up or move, so we've been cuddling in the bed most of the day. Our house is a messy mix of Pedialite, bottles, and Sprite. Every baby blanket and pajama set that we have is in the hamper. Here's hoping none of you get it. 

Since we are virtually immobile I decided to check on the blog and found that I've had 596 page views so far! Crazy, since I started this for friends and family and thought probably 10 people would tune in. Blogger gives me lots of stats, and says that I have had readers in Russia, Germany and England. I figure the Brits are our friends Sarah and Ammon, but I'm not sure who the others would be. To the Russian readers I say Zdravstvujtye. To the German readers I say Guten Tag, and to the Brits I say 'Ello, Gov'nah, because I think all Brits talk like the chimney sweeps from Mary Poppins.Thanks for reading, and I'll keep 'em coming as long as you keep reading.

Choking Hazard

Yesterday was Mardi Gras Athens, a fundraiser for the agency I work for. I'm part time therapist, part time fundraising person, so it's a big night for me.  The dinner-auction-raffle-drag-show-costume-party-concert  draws a good crowd and it's generally a really good time but it's a lot of behind the scenes work. It's when months of preparation from our committee and our staff pay off, and the day of the event is usually spent decorating, setting up, and attending to last minute details. That's the setting for this story.

I was getting ready to take The Boy to school so I could go to work. His bags/bottles/packnplay/toys were packed to spend the night at my dad's. I was on a tight schedule to make everything happen in time for the event. I got him dressed and put him down to play in the floor in my room while I got ready. Of course I had to take a quick picture to send to The Husband at work before I went in the next room to get my shoes. I was gone for about a minute.
 

When I came back in he was spitting and had a straw from the broom in his hand. I figured he had one in his mouth but a quick finger sweep didn't produce anything. I put my shoes on and scooped him up and he started gagging. Maybe the broom straw was in the back of his throat? I resolved not to sweep as often. I fixed him a bottle of juice, which he promptly swatted away, all the while alternating between sputtering and being fine. Thinking quick, I remembered a trick my friend Heather's mom used to do with her dog. I poured the juice into a cup and pretended I was drinking it and suddenly he was interested. He grabbed the cup and drank some, spilling it all over him. "You okay?" I asked. More sputtering, dry heaving, turning a tad red. I decided to call Heather since she has a little boy and she always answers her phone. She didn't answer. He continued to alternate between being fine and gagging like he was trying to cough it up. I would think he was okay, and then we'd start again. Surprisingly I think the fact that I had such a busy, pressure-filled day kept me calm in the face of this potential emergency.

I decided to walk to our neighbor's house. Tom and Faye have grandchildren and Faye would certainly know what to do. On the way over, he coughed and then threw up. "You okay now?" I asked. His vomit landed in the grass so I couldn't discern whether there was a broom straw in it or not, but I assumed there was. (Bonus, I didn't have to clean it up). I turned to go back toward our house and he threw up again. "Now that must have gotten it" I told him. Relieved that our crisis was thwarted, I went to put him in the car. I grabbed the car seat and put him in it. Not one to be confined, he started fussing. When he opened his mouth to complain about the car seat I saw a shiny piece of plastic on the very back of his tongue. I reached my finger in to get it but he turned his head away and clamped his mouth shut. I tried again and again, but the jaws of life couldn't have opened that determined little mouth. I yanked him back out of the seat and headed back over to Tom and Faye's, my internal alarm sounding again. He continued to sputter and gag.

I knocked on their door and Tom answered. The Boy is smiling to show Tom that this is no emergency and that I'm clearly overreacting. I explained to Tom that he is holding a piece of plastic hostage in his mouth, hoping he would volunteer Faye to assist. Instead he said "Faye's in Mobile. You want a flash light?" I explained that I could see it but that stubborn little mouth just wouldn't open for me to get it. Tom was very concerned that The Boy would be upset with him, so he spent some time in small talk. I didn't mention that he had been choking or we were in a hurry or that The Boy wouldn't remember any of this. Tom apologized to my little man several times then pinched and pried his jaw open so my finger could navigate inside. I retrieved a clear round plastic sticker, like the kind that sticks to clothes or shoes with a size printed on it. The perfect size for blocking a tiny air passageway. He must've gotten it from under the bed. I resolved to sweep things further under the bed.

We loaded up the car again and I took him to school. On the way to school I told him I was glad he was okay and that he couldn't put trash in his mouth. Mrs. Judy, his teacher, has been teaching the baby class for 30 years so she knows what she's doing. She's seen it all and sometimes she acts like I'm an overanxious new mom that worries too much. I gave him a kiss, handed him over, and as I was leaving said "by the way, he choked on some plastic this morning so if he coughs, check for debris in his mouth."Obviously proud, he grinned.

Lesson learned today:
We're going to have to start cleaning our house a little better. Or a little worse.

And here's a little gem from the Mardi Gras event, which was a success. After all the stresses of the day, I needed to let loose a little.