The Cult that is Chuck E. Cheese

Two weeks ago we survived what I'm sure will be the first of many Chuck E Cheese birthday parties. Whew. Y'all, that sh- is real. When we first got there, there weren't many people. It was calm. Except for the lights and games and sounds and dancing mice. The stuff that trances are made of.

The Boy explored all the games. He cuddled up with Barney. He drove a monster truck. We were fine to just let him sit on all the games, but then the birthday girl's parents GAVE HIM TOKENS.  Tokens that you put in the machines to make them go and beep and flash, and then our ruse was up. Chuck E. knows what's up. Step one of running a cult: offer cool things to lure them in.

 

He saw the animatronic Chuck E. (Does anyone else wonder what the E stands for? Edward? Elijah?) and wanted to be in a show with him. He is SO my kid. Step two of having a cult: have a powerful and mysterious leader.

How cute is the birthday girl??

When he wanted to play basketball with The Husband, we just put him up on the game a la Tom Thumb.

Gradually more and more people started arriving. There were four (four!) birthday parties and a soccer team. This is how a grain of sand must feel in an hour glass. If the hour glass is loud and lights up and all the other sand grains are running. I do not think the fire marshall would approve of this.

One of the other birthday girls was named A'merri-ca. We all sang Happy Birthday at one time to all four of the birthday parties. It was crazy.

Employees came through, shouting to follow them for free tickets. We did. As though we even needed tickets to save up to cash in to get a Chuck E. Cheese keychain. I know this scam. But I drank the Kool Aid, and I was convinced that our cult leader Chuck E. was right in knowing we needed tickets. For free! Step three of having a cult: be authoritative. We blindly followed, and did a Chuck E. line dance with our fellow cult members that ended with Chuck E. throwing tickets at us, and us scrounging on the floor to get them. It was like the kid version of 10 minutes past last call at a degrading strip club. Step four of having a cult: degrade your members.

That's us in the back, line dancing with a mouse. 

And when the birthday girl was feeling a little shy (aka smart) they let The Boy have her turn in the ticket wind tunnel. He got approximately 2 tickets.

When A'merri-ca got in the wind tunnel, her mama was screaming "stuff 'em in your shirt!" She must've had some of that same Kool-Aid. Then another kid went, and her mom (or someone) got in the tunnel with her. That's at option?? You mean to tell me I locked my kid in a wind tunnel alone and I didn't have to? And I never even questioned it. I'm pretty sure step five of creating a cult is isolate children from their parents. OMG. And now we're in.