Clean Up on Aisle Me

I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a parenting award soon. I'm excited about it in the way that actors are excited when they are nominated for a Razzie. It ain't the good kind of prize.

The Boy and I were running errands this morning and I decided to run in Kohl's because I had $10 in free money. Why not? It was raining, and I knew we wouldn't be in the store long so I just grabbed The Boy and left his diaper bag in the car. He wasn't going to need a bottle or a diaper in the next 10 minutes anyway.

I saw a cute dress that I wanted to try on, so I pushed The Boy in the Kohl's cart into the dressing room. Tight squeeze. Kohl's carts are basically a stroller with a bag on the back, by the way:

So this monstrosity, The Boy, a purple dress and I were in the dressing room.  I pushed him up to the mirror in hopes that he'd entertain himself, which worked for about 45 seconds. Then I looked in the mirror and The Boy had a little something on his mouth. Spit-up, most likely. I ignored it.

A few minutes later we were perusing the store when The Boy threw up. What a perfect time to have left the diaper bag in the car. No wipes. No burp cloth. No extra onesie. Not even a spare diaper to wipe his face with (don't judge. You've done it too). I scrambled in my purse for anything to clean him up with but there's nothing helpful. Sunglasses. A toy truck. Claritin. Wallet. Gum. Loose change. A 1/4 piece of cheese toast.  I'm frantically digging in my purse as The Boy looks at me confused by either the digging or by the vomit dripping down his chin. Disgusting. So I did what any good mother would do. I pulled out the only thing I had: a receipt. I wiped vomit off my child's mouth with a grocery receipt I found in the bottom of my purse. Double disgusting.

It was then that I noticed that he had thrown up into the Kohl's cart too. There was a puddle in the plastic seat beside him and, not knowing that this was disgusting, he was very close to finger painting with the vomit. So I had two choices: leave it in the cart for the next unsuspecting Kohl's customer or employee that comes along, or clean it myself. Obviously I don't want to leave this for someone else when I think it's gross enough and it's my kid, but as noted above, I've already exhausted my limited supply of makeshift cleaning resources. His hand went out to play in the fresh, fun, enticing vomit. I gasped. The world turned into a slow motion action scene...(morphed voice) Noooo!

I had to do it. In one quick movement I scooted my baby over in the seat and effectively used his shorts to wipe the vomit. The shorts he was wearing. I wiped his vomit with his own butt. We made our way to the register and checked out. There was no evidence of any bodily fluid in the cart, since it was all on the back of his shorts now. I abandoned the cart by the door and prayed that they regularly disinfect. We went to the car and I stripped him and changed him. He thought it was hilarious.

I called my mom and told her what great parenting choices I'd just made. Her response was "you could have bought a towel or something, and at least wiped him off with that." The worst thing about it? The only thing I purchased on today's trip: hand towels. Never even crossed my mind. So, let me know when the trophies will be printed. I want to make sure I misspell my kid's name.