What Mama Wants

I don't claim to understand the female brain. I've lived with one for thirty-mumble years and it remains a dark and mysterious place. We're complicated. We want to be listened to, but we don't want advice. Unless of course we ask for it, and then give us advice already. We want you to be strong when we need strength and tender when we need tenderness and intuitive all the time so you know when to be what. We want you to play with your kids. Unless it is bedtime, and we want you to stop playing with those kids so everyone can get some rest. Unless it is the weekend, then play with your kids as late as you want so they'll sleep in. We want you to know we're capable of doing anything men can do, but we want you to investigate strange sounds and dispose of dead animals. We want you to laugh at our jokes, but we don't want you to fake it. So laugh. Unless you don't think it's funny and then don't. But just genuinely think we're funny, okay?

Last week when I was doing some work from home The Husband said "Hon, I'm proud of you for being a good business woman." Shawing! I swooned. Now, he knows this about me and tosses these phrases around from time to time because he is wise and he knows they work. I'm being fed a line. And I know it. And he knows it. And he knows I know it, and it STILL WORKS.

Because the one thing I know about myself, I think it's safe to assume is true for all women- we want to be appreciated. We want you to appreciate us, and then we want you to go ahead and say out loud that you appreciate us. That's it. You win the whole game if you do that one thing. Serious bonus points if you say it out loud in front of OTHER PEOPLE, but that' s not even a requirement. Now you know our secret. If this is not your thing or it feels unnatural to go around verbally appreciating people or you suffer from male brain WTP (What's The Point) I have created a cheat sheet for you to make your life easier. Here are things to say to your baby mama. Use those that are appropriate for you.

• You are an awesome wife and mother. We are lucky to have you. 
• You deserve some wine. 
• Thank you for always knowing what day we are assigned to be snack helper for pre-school, and for knowing not to send nut products. You are probably saving someone's life! What a humanitarian you are! 
• It's awesome that you feed our baby with your boobs. 
• Thanks for making sure everyone is always picked up when they are supposed to be. 
• The way you combined that plaid and paisley is a force to be reckoned with. 
• Way to know what day the fundraiser money is due, the pediatrician's appointment is, and our nieces' and nephews' birthdays are. 
• You've been working hard lately. 
• You're a good mom. So far you've kept the kids alive every single day of their lives. 100% success rate! 
• You deserve some chocolate. 
• I can always count on you to know what our social calendar looks like. 
• Thank you for making sure we always have an appropriate birthday present at birthday parties. If it were up to me, kids would end up with a gas station hat and a Chick-fil-A coupon I found in the back seat of my truck. 
• You deserve some new clothes. 
• Score on the double coupon stacking for the organic bunny pasta!
• How about I watch the boys for a few hours so you can complete some pinterest projects? 
• I love that you know what immunizations the baby has had. Yay health! 
• You are so patient with the kids. Mostly. 
• You look hot in yoga pants. Who needs real clothes? 
• Hey, you haven't run out of gas in a while. Way to go! 
• You deserve a massage. 
• Man, those chicken nuggets and frozen pizza you made tonight were delicious. 
• You smell really clean. 
• The fact that you let our threenager dress in mismatched clothes and rain boots while you guys run errands is in no way embarrassing to me. You're really cementing his sense of self. 
• You know your way around a Sherwin Williams paint store like no other. 
• How about I drive AND entertain the kids and you can play on your phone? 
• If you ask me one more time how you look....I will still say amazing. 
• I agree, it's a great use of time to bake cupcakes with real buttercream. 
• Hey hon, I'll make sure you can take a shower for as long as you want all by yourself today. 
• I really want to listen to what you're saying, so can we put this on hold for five minutes until I can give you my complete attention? 
• Let's cuddle and process some feelings. 
• You're great at talking our children into thinking that getting dressed is their idea. 
• You must be tired from responding appropriately to the kids all day. 
• Why don't you go out for a girls' night? 
• I appreciate your sense of humor.
• Who cares if the house is a mess, the kids are making memories, right? 
• I have no idea what you do when you're home with the kids, but I know that often my clothes are clean, we have food to eat, the power hasn't been turned off, and the kids aren't getting any dumber. I can only assume you're to thank for that. 

Putty in your hands, fellas. We aren't that complicated after all. 

A Year in Quotes, 2014

Happy New Year! 2014 was good to us. We bought a house and moved, we had a healthy baby BeYoYo, we've been adjusting to being a family of four, we participated in many shenanigans, and this little blog reached 30,000 hits. And I'm pretty sure only 10,000 of them are my mama.

Do you remember last year when I did this post of things we'd said over the last year that we never thought we'd say before kids? Not that we swore we'd parent one way or another, just issues we didn't realize we'd have to address. This year I again made a running note on my phone of things I heard come out of my mouth or The Husband's mouth that we never thought we'd need to say. I took them out of context and I present them to you here.

2014 in Quotes



We don't have to do everything you say.


No more chips until you eat your fries.


When you've had the same socks on for two days straight we have to take them off to wash them or burn them.


When's the last time he's had a bath?


I can't clean the poopoo off you when you're being lord of the dance.


Why are we riding in the car that smells like fish diapers?


Fishes don't eat mans.


Speak English, child.


We let you eat every single day. You don't have to cry about it.


We don't kiss other peoples' tongues.


I don't know who's the boss of squirrels.


The baby smells like milk neck.


You can't cook a dog in a dishwasher anyway.


I can't wipe off a carrot while I'm driving. You'll have to wait


Oh don't pick your nose while we're cooking. I just threw up in my mouth.


Please quit shaking your head like that. Your grandparents are going to worry about you.


Come away from that. It's sharp and I don't want you bleeding on the new curtains.


Who put cereal on the dog's head?









I don't know why cars don't have sinks for spitting.


Don't put the ice cream in your hair.


You don't call your mother poopoo, do you understand me??


Just cry without making any sound, ok?


No moonwalking on the stairs!


We don't write in soup.


I'm not going to sit here and guard your waffle all day.


Please don't wipe your nose on the baby's head.


No, you can't get back in my belly. Once you're born you're out forever.


Did you drill your brother?


We don't walk on people.


Please don't sit on your brother while he's eating.


You're going to have to wear that pink hair to school tomorrow.


Lasagna, not vagina.


There are too many people yelling right now. If somebody doesn't stop I'm going to start.


We can't eat seahorses because restaurants and grocery stores don't sell them.


If I find one more acorn in my boots you can never have another acorn.


If you don't straighten up you can't touch your brother again for the rest of the day.


You haven't had any vegetables today, so eat your pickle.


I never met a walrus.


We do not put boogers on the baby.


Who gave the baby a funnel?


Ahh, don't use your toothbrush to kill an ant! But thank you for not using baby Jesus this time.


Can you go retrieve his apple from the dog's mouth?


Please let me go to the bathroom by myself.


Your penis is not a coat rack.