2019 Quotes

 Usually I do our annual quotes post at the end of the year, but this year I am late with it. Tis the season to forget things, and to be busy, and to be doing well just to get the boys back to school on the right day. I am so grateful to have some routine back, because as great as the holidays are, it's hard when you don't know what day it is or if it's AM or PM. So here are our parent quotes from 2019, taken out of context: 

2019 quotes
Why is there a cricket in this bag?

You have to wear a helmet if you’re making a death ride. 

I don’t think there are churches underground, even for moles. 

Worship is not an appropriate place to play with your penis. 

Do not wipe your nose in the carpet. 

No more fart noises. 

Your mama jokes to your brother is also an insult to yourself. 

Please don’t fork the blinds.  

You have to ask someone if they want to eat something, not just put it in their mouth. That’s called consent. 

Is that shaving cream in your pocket? 

Don’t put someone else’s teeth in your mouth. 

I don’t think fish know about funnel cakes. 

I can handle blood and boogers and broken bones, but I cannot handle loose teeth. 

Go get your snorkel, I think you left it in the bath tub. 

A Dr. Suess hat is an interesting choice to wear to the water park. 

How do you know crawfish like beef jerky?

You're right, it wouldn’t be very safe to start your car if it was sitting on top of another car. 

I’d like to take a shower. Go ask your daddy how babies are made. 

We are not going to fight over fake communion bread. 

Please take that sword out of your bottom. 

It’s not just keep your hands to yourself, it’s also keep your heads to yourself. 

It’s not polite to ask strangers for popsicles. 

Having a bulldog lick your hands is not the same as washing with soap and water. 

I didn’t mean that. It’s your job to know what I mean when I talk. 

Yes, I guess a baby could fit on a saddle on a coyotes back. 

Did you tell them not to stab that baby?

No part of anyone else’s body needs to be in your mouth. 

I don’t think you can get seconds on communion. 

Mostly you cannot get human meat at any stores. 

Quit punching biscuits. 

Quit killing each other and eat your breakfast. 

When I say to get dressed, what makes you think you should parachute a guy and make fart noises? 

Do not eat anymore dog treats. 

Dogs noses are different than human noses, so prissy might not realize your breath is minty even though you want her to. 

You may not use a pineapple as a soccer ball in the house. 

It’s very hard to cut toenails that are moving. 

Do you know why there are acorns in the plunger?

Just move your tail to the side to buckle your seat belt. 

Please put that booger down. 

I accidentally whipped him with a slim jim. 

What is this splash on the ceiling and the wall that no one knows anything about? 

How is it that y’all came in here 7 times during my 4 minute shower?

You can’t put the frogs in the bath with you because soap is probably not good for them....yes, you have to use soap. 

A Year in Quotes, 2018

As this year comes to a close and we reflect on 2018, I am reminded that both boys started at new schools (one was due to rezoning, one was due to the former school closing) and have made new friends, though they both miss their old ones. We have escaped another year (fingers crossed) with no broken bones or trips to the ER. We've made many fun memories with family and friends, and are grateful for our village. On paper it may seem to an outsider that we've really hit a stride with this parenting thing and that we've figured out the basics. Lest you ever think we've got it all together, I've compiled our annual list (you can find last year's quotes here) of quotes that the husband or I have said to or about our kids, and I present those out of context for you here. This has become one of my favorite traditions, writing down the things I hear come out of our mouths and then reading them all at the end of the year. I promise these are real words we have uttered in 2018. There are probably more, but I was too preoccupied to write or remember them. I present those to you here with outtakes from our Christmas card photo shoot. 

I’m not in charge of why certain things are called specific words. If you have an issue with it...write your senator.

Winning doesn’t matter, it’s all about having fun and getting dirty.

I don’t think Prissy wants to surf.

It’s like your chair has a jack in the box spring that keeps pushing you out.

This restaurant has a no wrestling rule.

Scissors aren’t for cutting bananas.

Giving it back is part of sharing. Otherwise it’s called stealing.

Sorry we’re late. Had to pull over and take all the light sabers.

Don’t eat anything off any car, but especially a stranger’s car.

Don’t pet the dog with the oven mitt.

I don’t think Cheetos are made from cheetahs

Go put that back in the offering plate.

We don’t put fingers in our bottom, and if we do, we don’t wipe them on the wall.

Since we don't know whose cat that is, maybe we shouldn't put a coonskin hat on it. He or she might not like that.

If y’all don’t keep fighting over the tv you have to watch historical documentaries.

Why did you punch the frozen chicken? What did you think would happen? 

No, no, no. I'm glad you weren't going to touch it with your hands, but the kitchen tongs are not for picking up a dead bird outside.

No parkour in the hotel.

You can’t harmonica with food in your mouth.

Most animals don’t go to college or have jobs, that’s the main reason a penguin can’t be a doctor.

If you want to touch someone’s privates, touch your own.

Quit putting cheez it’s in your arm pit.

Your jingle bell bow tie is not for Easter.

I don’t think people can sleep while they’re awake.

If you’re creating a worm memorial, it doesn’t need to be on the sidewalk right in front of the house. It doesn’t have to be in the exact spot he/she died.

I don’t think cantaloupe has a bone.

Someone has put your menstrual cup in the sink to stop it up and put a witch in there.

How did the toilet seat land on your shoulder if your head wasn’t in there?

When you get a job you can buy as many sparkling waters as you want.

No more sitting on heads tonight.

Don’t do that unless you’re drowning.

We don’t play games at funerals.

I can’t make the sun less hot.

We’re not driving a deer bone to the beach. Don’t eat near that deer bone.

It’s my job to keep you safe. It’s not my job to watch your show in the back seat while I’m driving.

We’ve at least got to make it look like you’ve had a bath this month.

I don’t think Guinean pigs can swim.

You've GOT to leave your shoes on in a porta potty.

Do you think the baby Jesus wants you to fight over a manger????

I don’t think dogs go to dog college.

That’s called a pay phone. Don’t put your train ticket in there.

We don’t have to fight over who gets the burnt taco shell. Everyone can get one.

The container of our ice cream maker is not a good place for a lizard to live. Find her a new home. 

Don’t open closets at the White House.

The president doesn’t want you to pick your nose. And the secret service is watching.

You don’t have to be making an animal noise every second you’re awake

You don’t need a drill for brushing teeth

Please don’t wake your brother up in the night to ask him to help you find a bandaid you lost in the bed.

It’s not a competition of who has the sharpest teeth. 

Don’t put your booger in my nose.

No humans are smaller than a mouse.

You cannot be dead for the Christmas card picture. Come back to life.

Don’t put roast on the dog.

If I can hear you yodeling it lets me know you are not brushing your teeth. 

Don’t steal a car is a rule everyday, not just on Christmas Eve.

Did you just lick the rain off the car? Tell the truth. 

I don’t think there were elephants there when Jesus was born. 

Don’t cut the trolls hair with nail clippers. 

How do you both have trail mix in your underwear?

A Year In Quotes, 2016

You may remember how every year I keep a running list of things that The Husband and I say, weird things that come out of our mouths that we never expected to address. Last year's was short because I'd lost my phone in a snow drift, so this year I was more determined than usual to jot down the things we said and present them to you out of context.

I present to you, 2016 In Quotes....

If you get out of the closet and take the towel off your head you'll be able to see better.


Did you get all the glitter off your penis?


Get your turkey baster, it's bath time.


Don't lick the tub.


If I can hear you touching him it's too rough.


You're not the boss of water.


I'm not taking a slug to Sam's today.


It's not nice manners to go to someone else's house and ask for food. Unless it's Halloween.


Leaves are made out of leaves. Go ask daddy.


It's really hard to catch a bird with your hands.


You're not the boss of how he looks through binoculars.


I need less screaming this morning.


I don't think you'll be able to see inside your own bum.


Stop fighting near the stairs.








He drank a cup full of the dog's flea bath water.



Stop licking that.



Closing someone in the refrigerator is not a gentle touch.



Can you put the pasta you threw up back on your plate?



Don't throw up until I call poison control.



We don't put horses in anybody's bum.



You smile for the picture right now.



If you can't keep the water in the tub you can't take anymore baths.



Please don't eat any more of my ferns.



I don't think you can accidentally bite somebody's bum.



Nudity is more of an inside hobby.



Let's think of another way for you to wake me up other than knocking on my throat.



The sun doesn't have a vagina.



The transformer does not need communion, let's leave him on the seat.


Is that poop or chocolate?


No more hiccups!


Why are you sitting on his head?


I'm calling Santa.


Who's blood is that?


He just ate a skittle from the dog's mouth.


If anyone pulls your arm off you never have to play with that person again, I promise.


Did you just threaten that he could never eat another banana in his whole life?


I don't want tadpoles in the good silverware.

A Year In Quotes, 2015

When The Husband and I went to Alaska I lost my phone in a snow drift. For 24 hours I was living like it was 1998. I have to confess I was grieving a little, mostly over losing my running list of quotes for the year. First people problems all day long. You might remember the lists from 2014 or 2013, where I wrote down ridiculous things The Husband or I said to our kids and offered them out of context.

Here are a few gems that I do remember from that list, so I present to you Quotes from 2015, abridged version. 

"Let's see if we can rot your brains out today."

"It's not really nice manners to put your penis on someone else's head."

"I'm a princess and this shower is my castle. It's surrounded by alligators that eat whiney children."

"Don't put him in the dryer."

BeYoYo says "dot dot" for "night night" and calls his pacie a "bop", so we are continually saying "Bop is for dot dot". 

"He said he can't sleep because when he swallows it feels like there's beef jerky in his ear."

"I need you to make another noise. That's enough of that one for today."

And my personal favorite...

"If you have to put a grasshopper on someone's penis, it needs to be yours."

A Year in Quotes, 2014

Happy New Year! 2014 was good to us. We bought a house and moved, we had a healthy baby BeYoYo, we've been adjusting to being a family of four, we participated in many shenanigans, and this little blog reached 30,000 hits. And I'm pretty sure only 10,000 of them are my mama.

Do you remember last year when I did this post of things we'd said over the last year that we never thought we'd say before kids? Not that we swore we'd parent one way or another, just issues we didn't realize we'd have to address. This year I again made a running note on my phone of things I heard come out of my mouth or The Husband's mouth that we never thought we'd need to say. I took them out of context and I present them to you here.

2014 in Quotes



We don't have to do everything you say.


No more chips until you eat your fries.


When you've had the same socks on for two days straight we have to take them off to wash them or burn them.


When's the last time he's had a bath?


I can't clean the poopoo off you when you're being lord of the dance.


Why are we riding in the car that smells like fish diapers?


Fishes don't eat mans.


Speak English, child.


We let you eat every single day. You don't have to cry about it.


We don't kiss other peoples' tongues.


I don't know who's the boss of squirrels.


The baby smells like milk neck.


You can't cook a dog in a dishwasher anyway.


I can't wipe off a carrot while I'm driving. You'll have to wait


Oh don't pick your nose while we're cooking. I just threw up in my mouth.


Please quit shaking your head like that. Your grandparents are going to worry about you.


Come away from that. It's sharp and I don't want you bleeding on the new curtains.


Who put cereal on the dog's head?









I don't know why cars don't have sinks for spitting.


Don't put the ice cream in your hair.


You don't call your mother poopoo, do you understand me??


Just cry without making any sound, ok?


No moonwalking on the stairs!


We don't write in soup.


I'm not going to sit here and guard your waffle all day.


Please don't wipe your nose on the baby's head.


No, you can't get back in my belly. Once you're born you're out forever.


Did you drill your brother?


We don't walk on people.


Please don't sit on your brother while he's eating.


You're going to have to wear that pink hair to school tomorrow.


Lasagna, not vagina.


There are too many people yelling right now. If somebody doesn't stop I'm going to start.


We can't eat seahorses because restaurants and grocery stores don't sell them.


If I find one more acorn in my boots you can never have another acorn.


If you don't straighten up you can't touch your brother again for the rest of the day.


You haven't had any vegetables today, so eat your pickle.


I never met a walrus.


We do not put boogers on the baby.


Who gave the baby a funnel?


Ahh, don't use your toothbrush to kill an ant! But thank you for not using baby Jesus this time.


Can you go retrieve his apple from the dog's mouth?


Please let me go to the bathroom by myself.


Your penis is not a coat rack.